There's goofy and there's boring and then there's Memory, a movie that...

But wait. Let me start again.

Starring Billy Zane in the leading role...

Yeah, that's it. Nothing against Mr. Zane on a personal level, but if you're watching a movie in which BZ has the lead role ... odds are you're watching something very cheap, very goofy, and very boring. Ironic that a flick called Memory would be so instantly forgettable, but let's hear it for B-movies that pretty much review themselves.

Zane stars as a scientist who specializes in Alzheimer's Syndrome, but after he inhales some voodoo dust while visiting a near-dead patient in a Brazilian hospital (don't ask), he returns home to discover that his dreams have been invaded by a serial killer from three decades earlier. Oh, and Dennis Hopper and Ann-Margret stop by (briefly and listlessly) to earn a quick paycheck.

Based on a novel you've never heard of and directed (drably) by the guy who wrote The Medallion, Memory is more a "psychological thriller" than a horror movie, in that it deals with dreams and memories and lots of amorphous blather instead of anything that comes close to the doorstep of "SCARY." The thing feels like something produced for basic cable, only not one of those rare cable movies that's not, y'know, good.

Zane wood-walks his way through the exceedingly predictable proceedings (he really is a more entertaining performer when he's allow to camp it up) while salvos of obvious clues and repetitive dreamscapes wander cluelessly across the screen. By the thing lurches to its woefully obvious finale, you'll be knee-deep into snoozeville, leaving someone else to turn off the TV and wonder why in the hell you rented a Billy Zane movie in the first place.

The DVD

Video: The point-and-shoot production comes home in a standard widescreen format. Nothing dazzling, but watchable enough, provided you're in the mood for cinematic Sominex.

Audio: For some bizarre reason, a DTS track has been included. Also Dolby Digital 5.1, with optional subtitles in English.

Extras: There's a 27-minute "making of" piece that's little more than the director, his producer (Jeannette Weinstein) and his co-writer (Anthony Badalucco) sitting around a table (one that's stocked with promotional material for the film) and talking about how much they like their film. (My favorite part comes when the director claims "every studio in town wanted to buy the screenplay," but they passed so he could direct it himself. Hilarious.)

Also included is 95-minute blast of self-congratulation in the form of a commentary that reunites the team from the featurette. I can't imagine that anyone would be fascinated enough by the movie to sit through the mini-doco AND the commentary, but hey, I guess these filmmakers have plenty of friends and family who'll dig it. (There's some storyboard animatics as well, for those who simply can't get enough.)

Final Thoughts

Wait, what movie were we talking about again?