Give the Hack!-ers credit, they knowingly give their movie a hamstringer of a title, make a winking note of it in the climax of the movie, and constantly reference other, far better films throughout their own. That, readers, is what we call having cojones. And if it weren't for the last twenty-or-so minutes of the movie, writer/director Matt Flynn would be writhing on the floor in agony shielding those bruised cojones from enraged viewers.

Hack! is an obvious spoof, it's spelled out on the DVD case and becomes clear within the first few minutes of the movie. In said movie, a small group of clichéd college students take a boat, captained by awesome (and underused) Burt Young, to a 'mysterious island' owned by a 'kooky couple' in order to bolster their Biology scores. While there, a number of 'oddly familiar' murders occur, edging spoof into pastiche territory. However, regardless of the cinematic territory you're treading, no matter how well-worn the path down which you walk, your movie better not be grating as all hell and full of characters so annoying the very viewers you're trying to entertain want to actually leap through the screen and re-enact the lawn-mower finale of Peter Jackson's Dead Alive so as to end their suffering posthaste.

Or you can count on the good graces of dutiful critics (also given 'writer/director indemnifying' drubbing in the script) to sit through the whole thing, noting the few graces and making it to the rousing and funny final minutes.

But first, the bad. What better way to mock stock characters than to trot them out once more? We have: The Jock, The Gay Guy, The Black Guy, The Cool Guy, The Slutty Exchange Student, The Bitch and The Hot Nerd. And for the PC among you, (guilty as charged) why the racial disparity, still? Sure, The Gay Guy is Asian and The Foreign Exchange Student is, well, foreign, but there's always just one Black Guy, and that's what he is, Black. He's usually got the reefer and he likes sports, but that's it. Maybe give The Gay Asian Guy the reefer next time, and make The Black Guy Cool, and Weird, or Jocky or Nerdy. But no, we've just got clichés making fun of themselves. These clichés are a little more compassionate than most, but also shrill, trying and tired. And the Kooky Couple who run the island? Give me a shovel to bash their faces in, please, what with all their archly coy lines, delivered with a wink straight to the camera. It's when over-the-top camp should be six feet under. Rounding out our list of reasons Hack! made me want to yack are: acidic, over-bright lighting and colors, often hard-to-hear dialog, overused, tepid jokes referring to other, better movies, dark woods that seem to be next to a high-school football stadium on a Friday night, apparent usage of stock footage (but not as a joke) and a run-time inflated on the box by ten-plus minutes (excluding credits).

On the plus side, Hack! tosses a fair amount of comic blood-spraying violence and body parts our way, and (even before the climax) lands at least three jokes that made me laugh out loud. Three cheers for Pepper Ann! Also, it features smoking-hot Danica McKellar, made up to look exactly like her most famous role, Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years. While just as annoying as her clichéd compatriots, McKellar brings the funny by the end. Speaking of that end, I won't say much. If you make it that far, the end is your ridiculous, riotous reward. But as a teaser, I ask; what do William Forsythe, Groundskeeper Willie and the Geico Caveman have in common?

The DVD

Video:
Hack! is presented in widescreen, perfect for 16 x 9 TVs. A little film grain shows up in dimly lit scenes, but otherwise the picture is nice and sharp with no artifacting. Colors are often super-saturated and lighting schemes often appear aggressively bright, making this a presentation that's hard on the old oculars.

Sound:
Dolby Digital Audio is adequate, though frequently dialog is difficult to hear. I spent more time than I like riding the volume control between scream scenes and whispery bits. I guess that's what I get for being old and not wanting to disturb the family, but in this case it seemed a little more extreme a range than normal.

Extras:
Extras for Hack! are limited to the Original Trailer and Previews for five other features. Oh yeah, and Spanish Subtitles, por supuesto!

Final Thoughts:
Hack! is a too clever by half (by hack?) spoof/pastiche of other, better horror movies. While not stinting on the red stuff, a movie that fights clichés with clichés becomes a sort-of hyper-cliché that is almost impossible to handle. Add overdriven performances and production values and you've got an exercise in endurance. As such, it's not the worst thing you'll ever see - random jokes may hit you right, the climax pays off nicely, and McKellar is probably the best thing you'll ever see - so if you can anaesthetize yourself for an hour you may just enjoy this extra-less DVD if you Rent It.

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