Hang up them short-shorts, Angelina! Here's the fleshy fruition of many a fantasy inspired by joystick queen Lara Croft since she first began jiggling across video screens. It's Misty Mundae: Mummy Raider (2002, 47 minutes)! Sleaze auteur William Hellfire introduced Ms. Mundae in I Was a Teenage Strangler (1997) and from there she'd become one of the more prolific sexploitation starlets with roles in twisted snuff flicks such as Going Under, Lesbos Slaughter and The Virgin Vampire, her only X-rated feature. She kept her clothes on and STILL drew critical attention as a holy-rollin' highschooler in Hellfire's ultra-controversial Columbine satire Duck! The Carbine High Massacre released just months after the carnage. Misty's currently the face of Retro-Seduction Cinema and stars in a series of shorts paired with classic erotic films, as well as stealing most any scene she's in among the lesbian-friendly parodies by John Bacchus. Today, Ms. Mundae has slipped into some sinfully-snug fetishware for this double-barrel ode to a video vixen. For TWO whole days, a crew of at least FIVE people, including fledgling director Brian Paulin -- who some CineSchlockers may know from his Tom Savini-inspired gore flicks -- recently strained to bring writer Bruce Hallenbeck's fevered vision into reality. A vision that suggests Bruce just MIGHT need glasses.

The movie: On a dark and foggy night somewhere in Berlin, certainly not in some guy's garage in Massachusetts, the willowy daughter of Professor Kleve (Hallenbeck) is being held against her will by members of the abominable Fourth Reich. Kristen (Darian Caine) struggles in her bindings and nervously listens as Dr. Humboldt (Esmerelda DeLarocca) drones on about resurrecting an Egyptian mummy as part of a diabolical plan to rule the world. Humboldt then cracks a riding crop into her hand while repeatedly snarling, in a garish German accent, for Kristen to "Talk!" This interrogation sequence seems to go on and on and on before the evil Nazi doctor threatens to PROBE her nubile hostage for answers in a wholly unpleasant manner. Not only does Kristen talk, she begins reciting ancient incantations and with the aid of her magical bracelet, sure enough, King Ihotep (Rich George) rises from his discarded Frigidaire crate. That's Misty Mundae's cue to strut to her girlfriend's rescue by blasting a warehouse full of goons, er, actually just three low-rent stuntmen (including the director) who die at least a half-dozen times amid anemic plumes of flash powder and cracking blanks. Then Misty presses onward to secure her Mummy Raider mantel, engage in a nekkid reunion with Kristen and topple the Fourth Reich with the tender, but ever-persuasive caress of Sappho. CineSchlockers should note that this isn't the FIRST time Ms. Mundae has bumped chests with the living dead. Her Lust in the Mummy's Tomb hit discerning video stores late last year, and before that, she made a silver mummy out of Tina Krause in the chloroform classick The Duct Tape Killer II.

Notables: Six breasts. Six corpses. Gratuitous slow mo. Silly Putty explosives. Novelty panties. Advanced lesbian tongue rasslin. Two-fisted gun shooting. Catfighting. Orgy cam. Kung fu fighting. One intentionally pierced lip.

Quotables: Jack-booted Doc Humboldt is flustered by Kristen's resistance, "What?! You've never been kissed by a Nazi before?!" Misty after distracting some thugs with an impromptu striptease, "Let that be a lesson to you, boys! Think with the big head, NOT the little one!" And after her heartwarming reunion with Kristen, "Seeing you all tied up got me all TURNED ON!"

Time codes: Flashback footage of Adolf Hitler and his goose-stepping hordes (5:22) Humboldt suggests an alternative use for her trusty billy club (9:45). Ms. Mundae joins the story (12:20) and starts kicking Nazi hiney (18:48). Celebratory canoodling between Misty and Kristen (24:15). Three-way quest for the Big O (32:45).

Audio/Video: Presented in its original shot-on-video fullframe. The image is clear and without persistent blemishes. However, there's a good bit of pixelation during the title montage that's loaded with video trickery consistent with rural public access programming. Audio is subject to the iffy quality of the source material.

Extras: Bonus reel by Mr. Hellfire titled Misty's First Female Lover (24 mins) in which a lingerie-clad Ms. Mundae phones up her gal pal (Jayne Ester) and dishes about a post-frat party rendezvous with her ravishing roomie (DeLarocca). Next, there's some mostly voyeuristic behind-the-scenes footage by a pop-culture obsessed cameraman (34 mins). Marvel as Misty eats a blueberry bagel while reviewing her script. Thrill to Darian's brassiere-launching trick. Also includes the warehouse shootout staging and an alternate perspective on scenes crucial to the plot -- complete with heavy breathing. Six-minute reel of outtakes. Music video that should look familiar, because this same Misty montage padded out the end of the flick. There's another video for "Boy" if you'd rather ogle the techno-trance-synth-pop band Velvet Vimoz. Trailers for this flick, Erotic Witch, Erotic Witch 2: Book of Seduction, Gladiator Eroticvs, Erotic Survivor, Titanic 2000, Erotic Ghost and Vampire Seduction. Static menus with audio.

Final thought: Other Seduction Cinema spoofs boast better yuks and broader swipes at an actual PLOT, but never mind all that -- Misty looks mighty tasty in her Mummy Raidin' getup. Recommended.