The Movie
Ahh, Asylum and Creepshow...how I miss you! You weren't perfect, but you had fun with the comic book-inspired horror anthology format. Both of those films were a hell of a lot more entertaining than the anemic Trapped Ashes, which made its debut at the 2006 Toronto International Film Festival and has four uninspired tales dipped into a predictable wrap-around story with a familiar--and tiresome--ending.

The film starts as six people hop on a tour shuttle at the abandoned Ultra Studios. Wannabe actress Phoebe (Rachel Veltri) is joined by boyfriend Andy (Jayce Bartok), with couple Henry (Scott Lowell) and Julia (Lara Harris) right behind them. Mysterious loners Leo (John Saxon) and Nathalie (Michèle-Barbara Pelletier) are the last to squeeze on board. The old tour guide (Henry Gibson) warns his group about the House of Horrors, the most infamous set on the lot. The spooky mansion was the location for an old film about people who told horror stories to each other. But rumors of orgies and satanic rituals on the set--followed by the banning and disappearance of the director--plagued the film. The sextet whines until the old man relents, and the group (surprise!) gets trapped inside and decides to bide the time by telling terrifying true-life tales to each other.

Up first is Ken Russell's "The Girl with Golden Breasts", where Phoebe relates a botched boob job that made her nipples into lethal weapons ("I don't want a new me! I want the old me back without these bloodsucking tits you gave me!"). Of all the tales here, this one comes closest to channeling the absurd, freaky fun of the old EC Comics. It's silly, stupid and gross (emphasis on stupid)--and not at all scary, led by a tiresome script (Denis Bartok wrote all of the stories). And if you've seen Teeth, it's going to be an even harder sit. Still, Russell (seen in a very small role) is the most accomplished of the directors on board, and at least he goes full-tilt.

Up next, "Jibaku" from director Sean Cunningham (Friday the 13th) slows the film down with an extremely boring tale of Henry and Julia's trip to Japan. While at an art gallery, Julia stumbles upon a haunting painting and a mysterious man that changes her life forever. This segment features some animation--a technique Cunningham notes (in the bonus features) requires a leap of faith from the actors and the audience--and it falls flat, despite the efforts of a giant penis to entice you. It's boring, but that doesn't slow down the film's sex-hungry script ("I was sexually molested by a dead monk and dragged into the mouth of Buddhist hell! I'd call that more than a strain!").

In "Stanley's Girlfriend", Monte Hellman (of Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! "fame") works off Bartok's odd story--one meant as a reflection on the reasons why Stanley Kubrick left Hollywood and spent his remaining years in Europe. Leo tells this story, taking us back in time to his days as an aspiring screenwriter (played by Tahmoh Penikett) who becomes enamored with filmmaker Stanley (Tygh Runyan). Their homoerotic chess games are soon interrupted by Stanley's girlfriend Nina (Amelia Cooke), who tries to stir up some fun. But Stanley soon disappears, leaving the horny mice to play with each other. There's a slow-building tension that will be too boring for most people (this installment is even slower than "Jibaku"), and the ending--the only horror element here--won't satisfy most viewers. There's potential for something better; this was actually the most intriguing sequence for me. But from a quick-fix horror perspective, it's the least satisfying. I'd be curious to see what Hellman could have done with more time and a stronger story, because the ingredients are there.

First-time director John Gaeta fleshes out Bartok's "My Twin - The Worm", about as odd as it sounds. Nathalie narrates a tale from the womb (Pelletier also plays mom Martine), which she shares with a fast-growing parasite ("The worm was eating all my food...the worm became my friend!") that later seeks vengeance on Nathalie's stepmother. This installment tries to out-gross Russell's boob beast, and comes close (hmm, I wonder how the worm will attack her!), but it's predictable and poorly acted, like most of the film.

The wraparound story (directed by Joe Dante) then concludes--also providing a final punch line for each of the four stories--with a "twist" that you'll see a mile away. Trapped Ashes looks a lot better on paper then it does on your TV screen. Despite a few name directors, the film never takes off. It's boring more than anything else, and relies too much on gross-out laughs instead of scares. I've seen a lot worse, but that doesn't prevent this anthology from being D.O.A., a limp collection of poorly acted, poorly scripted yawns...err, yarns.

The DVD

Video:
Presented in an anamorphic 1.78:1 widescreen transfer, Trapped Ashes looks decent. There's some fluctuation in quality with some of the stories: The opening tale and wraparound piece have a more colorful look, although both are soft (like the entire film). More noticeable grain shows up in "Jibaku" and "Stanley's Girlfriend", which are more washed out.

Audio:
The 5.1 mix is adequate, although I fond it to be unnecessarily loud in some spots. Most of the stories make mild use of rear channel effects, relying more on the score to try and dazzle you. You can also opt for a 2.0 track, and subtitles are available in English and Spanish.

Extras:
A "making of" documentary is divided into five parts. In Trapped Ashes: A Look Inside (5:46), writer/ producer Dennis Bartok talks about his vision of the film as a collection of the twisted reflections he has from living in Hollywood for 13 years, noting the city is a powerful place between living and dying, between famous and forgotten (had he really developed and run with that idea, the film would have been more exciting). Also chiming in is visual effects supervisor Robert Skotak. Up next are "A Look Inside" the four main stories: The Girl with Golden Breasts (7:06) features some entertaining quotes from Ken Russell ("This is one of the more grotesque of my children, but I love him nevertheless"), as well as Rachel Veltri talking about her strap-on chest prosthetics. Jibaku (5:45)--a "cautionary tale about people and infidelity"--has musings from Sean Cunningham and Scott Lowell; Stanley's Girlfriend (6:35) features chats with the director and cast; while My Twin - The Worm (6:02) has a little too much plot regurgitation. Director John Gaeta explains the film is "erotic art house horror" with bits of pulp, served up by accomplished actors (no!) for an "intense psychological experience" (no again).

A collection of deleted scenes (13:23) starts with random clips spliced together before offering four full scenes, none of which are interesting. The Director's Cut of Stanley's Girlfriend (27:18) is then presented, which is exactly the same save for one dialogue scene (about the atomic bomb) between the two leads. The Original Cut of The Girl with Golden Breasts (25:44) looks to be the same footage with the deleted scene thrown in, and is presented with no background score, a different voiceover and rough visual effects.

Also provided is an audio commentary with writer Bartok and actors Veltri, Lowell, Harris and Saxon, who are later joined by production designer Robert Wilson King, visual effects supervisor Robert Skotak, producer Yoshifumi Hosoya and director Monty Hellman. The track provides various interesting tidbits--like the illustrious horror history of some of the props--and notes that some of the sets were hand-me-downs from Masters of Horror shoots. Hellman talks about hanging on the Sunset Strip and playing chess with Stanley Kubrick, whose friendship with director Hubert Cornfield inspired his segment. Bartok also talks about the origins of the other stories (he and his wife actually found a hanging man while vacationing in Japan), and mentions how Tobe Hooper was initially attached for Ken Russell's entry, while Dario Argento was tabbed for the fourth story. The funniest moment comes when Harris jokes about not saying the word "undulate" during one of her more "intimate" scenes, to which Lowell replies: "If you think anybody's listening to the commentary track right now..."

Trailers for other releases and an insert with a brief article on the film's history are also included.

Final Thoughts:
I sat through this horror anthology stone faced from start to finish. It isn't scary, funny or unique, presenting four tired tales and a wraparound story in one predictable package. The one installment that flirts with talent is the least satisfying from a thrill-seeking perspective, and everything else drowns in bad acting. Not even Ken Russell's campy boob beast can save this unsatisfying entry, which will bore you more than anything else. Rent It, if you must.