The Plot:
Desperate to get his new wife Missy the "ultimate" yuletide present, Bam Margera and the current incarnation of his crew including "nudie" Brandon Novak, Joe Frantz, Chad I. Ginsberg, Mark Hanna, brother Jess, and Seth Meisterman concoct a ridiculous plan. They will travel to Finland, noted home of Santa Claus (no, he doesn't live at the North Pole...stupid), and bring the jolly fat elf back to Pennsylvania. He can then give Missy anything she wants. After a passport delay and a stop off to see favorite band HIM, Bam and his buddies meet up with those dunderheaded daredevils the Dudesons, cause trouble in several Finnish locales, and take a long train ride into the middle of Lapland. There, Hanoi Rock's guitarist Andy McCoy suggests a mysterious castle contains the noted bringer of gifts. Along the way, Novak tries to score some chicks, since he has a bet with local oddball Mark the Bagger back home. Whoever gets the most action owes the other the spoils of sexual conquest. In the meantime, Missy and Bam's parents April and Phil must finish the preparations for the family's annual Christmas bash.

The DVD:
All right Warner Brothers - what have you done with the real Bam Margera? Oh sure, there's a guy on this DVD who looks strikingly like the skateboarder turned MTV/motion picture superstar, and he claims to have parents named April and Phil, but ever since Johnny Knoxville brought the CKY face to households all over the world with his anything-for-a-laugh pain fest, the real Bam Margera was easy to spot. He hung out with pals Ryan Dunn, Raab Himself, Rake Yohn, and Brandon DiCamillo. He mixed it up with disgusting sideshow uncle Don Vito. He pulled pranks that involved thought and socially unacceptable rebellion. And he was funny as #$&%. But that 'character' (since we now know that most of what occurred on both his Viva La Bam and Bam's Unholy Union was staged) is nowhere to be found on this cheap, chintzy, 93 minutes trip through Finland's frozen wilderness. Indeed, it appears that the only reason this direct to DVD title was made involved giving some needed screen time to this Bam's favorite bands (HIM, Hanoi Rocks), his personal pals from same (Ville Vallo and Andy McCoy, respectively) and those lovable Scandinavian scamps, the Dudesons.

So don't come to Where the #$&% is Santa? expecting inspired Margera mayhem. Unless you consider giving fellatio to a statue or drop kicking Novak in the head hilarious, you won't find much merriment. Thanks to his new crew of glorified hangers-on, including null set entries Frantz, Ginsberg, Hanna, and Meisterman, the old magic is nowhere to be found and the palpable chemistry between the guys is all but gone. In its place is a showboating stupidity that has everyone trying to one-up each other just to turn around and take such spur of the moment superiority to horribly unfunny ends. A bucket of reindeer privates turns into an all our phallus fight during a train trip, while Novak's natural vileness is accented with a couple of plates of ultimate nachos (naturally, he sleeps with the mess still caked in his hair). The aforementioned affront to personal hygiene is also involved in the film's fetid subplot involving a sex challenge. While Mark the Bagger can be excused for his borderline retarded approach to women (he is a little odd, after all), Novak is like walking crotch odor - and yet he snags the honeys one after the other in what seems like a grotty 15 year olds wettest wanton dream.

When he was a combination of Peck's Bad Boy, Dennis the Menace, unbridled Id and frat boy fun, Bam Magera was the guaranteed breakout star of Jackass, someone who saw the potential beyond eating your own feces or flying headlong into a mailbox after being launched from a shopping cart. He was smart without showing it, part carnival barker, part freak in his own sideshow. Here's he's hopelessly dull, determined to make his mates appear as dumb as humanly possible. When Hanna is forced to get a tattoo of Finland to map the route toward Santa, his pussy-like whining is antithetical to everything the performer patented a decade ago. Even worse, the guest stars are underused. HIM is barely a blip on the screen before we're off to more monkeyshines, and the always intriguing Andy McCoy is reduced to riddling off directions like he's a local service station attendant. Even the Dudesons, on their home turf, offer little of their standard serial killer craziness. They are all here in service of a shoddy production that left most of its entertainment value spilled all over several Pennsylvania parking lots. Sure, you'll snicker when Bam customized Novak's new $400 car, or when one cast members locks get an unexpected trim, but for the most part Where the #$&% Are the Laughs? might have been a better title.

The Video:
Presented in a 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen image, Bam Margera Presents: Where the #$&% is Santa? looks decent for a decidedly mixed media experience. There are various levels of video employed, some stock footage, obvious professional shots, and enough staged scenarios to test any transfer. But luckily, Warner Brothers comes up with something that looks pretty good. It's not reference quality, but it's not that homemade either.

The Audio:
Since the music is the only thing that matters when it comes to this Dolby Digital 5.1 mix, this DVD delivers on the sonic delights. All the tracks are captured perfectly with lots of channel-challenging details. As for the dialogue, well, that's another story. Sometimes, it's recorded flawlessly. At other times, the internal microphone concept of the camcorders deadens the dialogue.

The Extras:
The best thing about this entire DVD is one four minute clip explaining why HIM had to be edited out of the movie. Apparently, Joe Frantz is such a dorky metalhead that his hand sign throwing idiocy was in the background of every band shot. Keeping the material in would have meant testing the viewer's veiled music fan tolerances. Elsewhere, the rest of the 22 minutes of outtakes establish the amount of trimming needed to turn Bam's adventures into something watchable. There's also a photo gallery and trailers for other Paramount product. Not the greatest treasure trove of added content, that's for sure.

Final Thoughts:
It's not fair. I liked the old Bam - the rivalries with Dunn, the shared shenanigans with Raab and Dico - heck, Rake was even tolerable, especially when placed alongside Novak or the doughy Don. But this excuse for more Margera madness just doesn't work. It's not funny, foul, or fresh enough. As a result, it earns a tepid Rent It, with only the most diehard of CKY obsessives invited to drop their dosh. All others, wait until MTV or some other cable outlet decides to show it as part of some endless broadcast loop come mid-November. That way, you can catch the scatological slightness as it was probably intended - in dribs and drabs. As a bit of holiday cheer for the alienated youth in your life, Bam Margera presents: Where the #$&% is Santa? is sure to make their Noel as fetid as it is festive. For all others, give this godawful production the gift it truly deserves - a bad of urine-soaked coal.

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