THE FILM

The mild delights of 2007's "Music & Lyrics" notwithstanding, it's always cause for alarm when writer/director Marc Lawrence and actor Hugh Grant find the time in their busy schedules to make movies with each other. "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" is their third collaboration (a trilogy that includes the sour 2002 film, "Two Weeks Notice"), and holds the distinction of being not only their most disastrous duet, but also one of the worst films of the 2009 film year. I'm not exactly sure why the well is poisoned every time these fellows get near each other, but "Morgans" is a fantastic reminder to institute some sort of restraining order. Make it a legal issue, guaranteeing Grant and Lawrence will never team up again.

Unable to deal with the strain of martial separation, lawyer (of course) Paul Morgan (Hugh Grant) is desperate to win back his wife, elite realtor (of course) Meryl (Sarah Jessica Parker). Taking her out to dinner to discuss past infidelities and a brighter future, the evening is cut short when the couple stumbles upon a murder. Made top witnesses in a mob trial, Paul and Meryl are removed from their posh New York City womb and sent to Ray, Wyoming to live a secretive life under the care of U.S. Marshall Clay Wheeler (Sam Elliot) and his gun-totin' wife, Emma (Mary Steenburgen). Horrified by the prospect of living by Midwestern rules, the couple passes the time mingling with the locals, finding themselves intimately communicating again in ways they never thought possible.

It's difficult to accurately describe the feeling of hopelessness I felt while watching "Morgans." The wounds of this idiotic film cut deep. Of course, all would be forgiven with a dollop of cleverness, but Lawrence doesn't have it in him, fashioning a deplorable culture-clash tale that sets up easy comedic targets, yet seems too pooped to knock 'em down.

The main thrust of the film is the New York power couple stuck in podunk America, where the locals are Republican, wear cowboy hats, love guns, enjoy taxidermy, remain dim-witted, and only shop at massive warehouse club stores. Paul and Meryl might as well be on Mars. Pulled out of their cosmopolitan lives, their cell phones ripped from their moisturized and manicured paws, Paul and Meryl are trapped in flyover country -- there's only one restaurant in town (stocked to the ceiling with mayonnaise), one doctor to help the community, and there's a constant threat of bear attacks.

This is a familiar set-up, used in hundreds of movies to best isolate the comedic potential of the standard fish-out-of-water scenario, but Lawrence doesn't play the lead characters as bumbling nitwits forced to learn valuable hayseed lessons. No, Paul and Meryl are the liberal, elitist surrogates for the viewer. They know things about nutrition and animal cruelty, about style and substance the yokels fail to comprehend. I supposed it's a harmless film overall, yet "Morgans" straddles that fine line between farce and character assassination. It's one thing to sit stone-faced watching Lawrence blunder his every single attempt at humor, but the great state of Wyoming doesn't deserve such a slight, even if it serves a larger portrait of broad comedy. Lawrence never has the Morgans embracing their country education beyond a superficial level of communication (at one point Lawrence gives Meryl and Clay a bizarre scene that compares a man's sensitivity to a cow's teat), keeping them at a loathsome level of superiority for the duration of the picture.

It's not all indoor smoking irritation, meat-packed refrigerators, and rodeos for our panicked heroes, they also have a marriage to tend to. Lawrence slows the already wheezing film to a dead stop when time comes to discuss these awful characters and their awful marriage, leading to numerous scenes of strident, pointless bickering. Nothing says tie your giggle bib on tight like watching 90 minutes of a warring married couple, co-authored with severe bewigged shrillness by Parker. Grant? He's barely trying here, eyebrowing up a storm. There's also a goofy thriller element of sorts in a hitman character (Michael Kelly) out to assassinate the Morgans after spying him at the scene of the crime. You'll root for the villain.

THE BLU-RAY

Visual:

The AVC encoded image (2.35:1 aspect ratio) on the "Morgans" Blu-ray seems a little soft at times, with facial detail inching toward a DNR feel with abrupt displays of smoothness and overtly concentrated skintones. The rest of the presentation is above average, with a real amplification of colors to bring the varied locations to life. Red and blues are particularly generous (eyes and jeans pop right out), and rustic tones are well taken care of. Shadow detail remains in control, providing depth to the prairie feel of the cinematography. The crispness of the feature certainly comes off unnatural, but it's not a distressing presentation.

Audio:

The DTS-MA 5.1 sound mix keeps the dialogue exchanges startlingly pronounced, perhaps to assure the comedy will be easily appreciated and always understood. The track is primarily frontal, with little in the way of LFE response (outside of a few acts of violence) or surround urgency (reduced to just a few moments of directional atmospherics found in the wilds of Wyoming). It's a clean track without any overt distortion, treating the comedy as king, only reaching out to grab the viewer when the action heats up. French and Audio Description tracks are included.

Subtitles:

English, English SDH, and French subtitles are offered.

Extras:

The feature-length audio commentary with director Marc Lawrence, and actors Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant is merry, but awfully conversational at times, which seems to bore the talent as the track enters the second half of the film. When the gang remains invested in the audio experience, there's some stuff to learn about "Morgans," including on-set moods (surprisingly bipolar), instances of GC manipulation, and the burden of making funny. Grant understands what a commentary needs and attempts to push the conversation in the right direction. The track is primarily made up of cackling and insides jokes, but the chemistry is there (though absent from the movie), and Grant lands a few acts of welcome silliness where he can.

"Location, Location, Location!" (18:13) dives into the contrast between filming in New York City and the wilds of New Mexico, which subbed for Wyoming. The tone for the featurette is set early on when Hugh Grant labels Marc Lawrence as a "comic genius." Wow. Consisting mostly of actors and filmmakers praising each other and loathing the outdoor locales, the supplement is only worthwhile for the few glimpse of life on the set.

"Cowboys and Cosmopolitans" (8:05) focuses on the actors and their contributions to the script, discussing how the playful interaction between the pros informed the tone of the movie. Also brought up: Parker's uncontrollable giggling fits.

"Park Avenue Meets the Prairie" (5:02) sits down with costume designer Christopher Peterson, who energetically discusses the challenges of dressing both chic NYC characters and wholesome "Midwestern" folk.

"Bear of a Scene" (5:21) is the highlight of the disc, capturing the insanity of filming with a live animal. While a domesticated creature, the tension is felt when cameras rolled, with Grant growing more assured with the bear as the day wore on.

"Deleted Scenes" (4:30) present an interaction with elevator B.O., a proper grilling for Meryl at an adoption agency interview, and Grant landing a complex putt.

"Outtakes" (6:41) serve up good-natured mix-em-ups, but the real draw is an extended take where the cast cracks up throughout an entire scene (the reason why is explained in the audio commentary).

"International Special" (13:46) is a promotional piece that essentially regurgitates the same information located in the rest of the supplements.

A Theatrical Trailer has not been included.

FINAL THOUGHTS

For the climax, "Morgans" maneuvers Paul and Meryl into a flimsy bull costume (Paul's the ass, of course) to elude certain doom, making this excruciating feature film possibly the worst "Laverne and Shirley" episode of all time. I'm not sure what entertainment itch "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" is supposed to scratch, but as an obnoxious, poorly performed, and distastefully executed comedy, it's the bottom of the barrel.