For a movie called Blood, Guts, Bullets & Octane (1997, 87 minutes) there sure is a helluva lot of TALKING going on. This fella by the name of Joe Carnahan made the thing and sucker'd some Evian guzzlers to show it at that Sundance deal. It's supposed to be a black comedy that shakes its hiney at the boom in gritty crime pictures, thanks to Reservoir Dogs and El Mariachi. Only I think Joe forgot to put the comedy in. Either that, or my copy of the DVD is busted.

The movie: It starts out promising enough, with an Elvis-looking dude getting whacked, but then you meet the real stars. They're these two slimeball used car salesmen Sid and Bob. Joe is Sid French and Dan Leis is Bob Melba. Not that it's important. All they do is bicker back and forth like a couple of wrinkled broads on bingo night. Anyway, they come in possession of this burgundy '63 Pontiac Le Mans, that just so happens to have been associated with the deaths of at least 34 people. Only they don't know that. Maybe because they're too busy chewing up the scenery with dialogue. Yawn .... *stretch* .... Zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzz
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Huh?! Ahem. Well, um, this dude who plays the no-nonsense heavy Frank Priolo is great (Mark Priolo). Before capping someone, he says stuff like, "What we intend, is to kill you and dispose of your body. In this case are a collection of saws and other cutting implements to assist me in that task." Wish the movie'd been about THAT guy.

Notables: No breasts. 11 corpses. Close talking. Scalding coffee mishap. Multiple boring gun battles. FBI slide show. Gratuitous urination.

Quotables: Sid actually has a funny line toward the beginning of the flick, "Loan me a vagina, I'll show you how to sell." Stew Oleson is hilarious as motor-mouth motel owner, Milt Higgins, "I don't give a frog's speckled ass if you do catch this character. ... I'm full to capacity. I got people going down to the kidney pool, expecting a nice afternoon. They run across a guy all hacked to hell! That reflects poorly on ME!" Maybe he coulda played Priolo's partner with an itchy trigger finger and rapid fire wit?

Time codes: Mildly amusing riff on the great Johnny Cash (31:50). Sid and Bob's witty banter finally works (1:10:40).

Audio/Video: Very grainy picture throughout. Gunplay sounds almost sissified.

Extras: A trailer.

Final thought: The ending is fairly clever. Rent it.

G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.