I like a cheesy, trashy film like the next person sometimes, but I think that the difference in bad movies and good bad movies are separated by a couple of things: the ability of the cast and crew to go full bore into the concept, and second the ability of the cast and crew in general. Nobody ever goes into a film wanting to make a bad movie, only the best movie possible. In the case of Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood, the fact that they're invoking the name of arguably the world's worst filmmaker is supposed to be a nod, but it actually makes some wrong moves before then.

The main story is easy to follow: two girls are in love with one another, until they get into a fight and one of them (Lilith) leaves her girlfriend. She runs into Carmilla, who's kind of Goth looking as it is but lo and behold, she's actually Queen of the Lesbian Vampires. Lilith's ex-girlfriend regrets the fight and tries to find Lilith, but when she finds out about Lilith's possible enshrinement as a vampire, she tries to free Lilith from her fate, even employing a vampire hunter to help. Her name is (aptly) Muffy the Vampire Slayer. In the meantime, a guy named Mr. Creepo is interspersed throughout the film, trying to find the grave of Ed Wood, but also "providing solutions to the problems facing our demented Goth scream queens." But picture Bruce Vilanch with some eyeblack and a cape and you've got Mr. Creepo.

There are a couple of flaws in the film. First, everyone knows they are making a bad movie, yet they don't care about how it will turn out, so attention to detail is tossed away. I'm not talking about continuity or story coherence, but in things like casting. If I can be a chauvinist for a second, Lilith and Carmilla are two wholly unattractive people. I'm sure they are to someone, but if I just came down to earth and I was wondering what vampires were attracted to, I'd presume that they're attracted to the smells of jelly doughnut filling and crystal meth that are located in blood. They do what they can with the material, but both it and they are terribly limited in range.

Second, the fact that they want to tell the world they're making a bad movie hardly endears anyone to that fact. It's one thing to make something and have no clue that it's going to turn out to be bad. It's another to overtly say every 15 minutes or so in an 80-minute film, "Hey, look at us! We're making a bad film!" It's like watching a reality show personality write a book or record a song and demand to be taken seriously because they're an artist now. You can't try to take control of the argument to lessen the degree of mediocrity Snooki, er, Mr. Creepo.

That's probably where Lesbian Vampires has the most fault. I think it might have been titled Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires but unlike the obvious sexual temptation, I'm guessing some of these girls may be just within the limits of their probation. They're not even caring about the art, and that's a disrespect of the art itself.

For whatever reason, you get a choice of full-frame and 1.85:1 widescreen viewing for either film. It's almost exclusively a constantly moving picture shot via handheld cameras, with no edge enhancement or haloing to speak of. There's some noise in the picture and blacks crush a bit, but these are likely consumer-bought products the crew is shooting on. With a low production value in mind, the image is what it is.

The stereo presentation is surprisingly strong, but upon further review, they just cranked everything into the front channels and paid no attention to the rears or to the subwoofer. I found myself compensating quite a bit through the film, particularly during the third act, even though the action in the film is minimal and nonexistent. Maybe I was just preventing an earworm, I don't know.

Aside from some previews of upcoming Chemical Burn titles, zippy skippy.

You kind of know what you're getting into when you rent something like Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood, but upon further reflection, it's much worse than that. If you've come here looking for decent lesbian vampire action, I'm sure porn helps that particular malady, but in terms of a film, this doesn't even qualify as a good trashy film. It's just a waste of time and effort.