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Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood

Other // Unrated // November 23, 2010
List Price: $19.95 [Buy now and save at Amazon]

Review by Rich Rosell | posted February 13, 2011 | E-mail the Author
REVIEW
As a fan of B-grade horror films, I would have thought that a flick with the wonderfully twisted title Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood would be able to deliver on at least some level of implied promise. There's a world of great potential in those nine words that is criminally wasted by amateur filmmaker Tim Swartz, resulting in a shockingly childish project that seems more like something a few friends would slap together over a case of cheap beer than anything that would be considered remotely entertaining for even a fragment of the genre masses.

Just to clarify a couple of things, I'll be the first guy to spot a filmmaker some slack for budgetary constraints and production limitations. Some elements are beyond a filmmaker's control, and you work with what you've got and the finished product is what it is.

The problem is that Lesbian Vampires (for short) is simply dreadful from any perspective, whether it be the alleged acting, the awkward "sex", the incomprehensible storyline or the weak attempts at humor. If you recall the fine work of Seduction Cinema - especially poster child Misty Mundae - you'll realize there is a certifiable need for soft-core lesbian coupling/quasi-horror with mixed juvenile double entendres. Seduction looks like high-brow Criterion autuers by comparison to Tim Swartz.

There's a nonsense plot about the Queen of the Lesbian Vampires (Lolita Langsuir) who draws poor Lilith (Stephanie Bloode) into her undead world while a vampire slayer named Muffy (Circe) tries to track her down. Along the way there's leather-clad bondage-and-spanking, a few uncomfortable couplings and the sort of acting that would make a junior high drama class blush with embarrassment. The sex/nudity is mostly of the topless variety, though Swartz does include a strangely gratuitous south of the border close up for no real reason.

Mixed in the midst of this hackneyed stuff are segments featuring a chubby host of sorts, the appropriately named Mr. Creepo, who attempts a seance at the grave of Ed Wood, as if just by associating with Wood somehow gives Lesbian Vampires cult legitimacy. It doesn't. I could go on an on, citing the obvious lack of any "barely legal" status of the actresses (unless it's a reference to possible criminal records) or a storyline that is delivered by line reads that are laughably stiff.

This is not a film meant for public consumption. No way, man. You have been warned.

THE DVD

Video
The 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer is rife with the flaws found in home-grade video equipment, and that just makes the whole experience that much more unbearable. Colors bleed, appear muddy,fuzzy and then sublimely sub-average. A few times I wasn't sure what was going on, but I really didn't care. I just considered it that much less that I had to watch

Audio
The mono audio is full of distortion and crackle, rendering some of the dialogue questionable at best. The opening theme song carried some promise, fidelity-wise, but once the film begins it became a little sloppy.

Extras
A few trailers. That's it.

Final Thoughts
Runaway. Runaway quickly.

Skip it.
Buy from Amazon.com

C O N T E N T

E X T R A S

R E P L A Y

A D V I C E
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