Short Takes

Eek! Attack of the killer website! Or is it attack of the albino schoolgirl and her bouncing ball of death? What about Stephen Rea's DELICIOUSLY psychotic surgeon who lures a stardom-hungry babe off the street, clamps her nekkid bod into a kinky contraption and pokes her with scalpels until she pleads for the sweet ecstasy of death? What of the water-logged poltergeist with the Cheshire mug who haunts ever-earnest Natascha McElhone? Those are just some of the ultimately uninteresting questions begged by this grossly ponderous creeper about poor saps who surf down a dark alley of the internet only to croak from a wicked case of the WILLIES that inexplicably coax ebola-esque torrents of blood from the nose and eyesockets. Stephen Dorff is the unwashed cop searching for answers and serious sack time with Natascha. CineSchlocker faves Udo Kier and Jeffrey Combs are egregiously underutilized in this alleged horror picture that ineptly attempts to rattle scares with MTV-friendly audio/video hysterics. Six breasts. 11 corpses. Roach revenge. Pealed people. Gratuitous Blair Witch cam. Bug splattering. Nipple strapping. S&M video voodoo. Dorff talks tough, "Yeah, I got hope. I got hope my first shot will blow your f@#%ing head off!" Check out the hallucinatory bonus scene with a security guard freaking out on mushroom people and rassling a wriggling white phallus. (2002, 101 mins, 2.35:1 anam, DD 5.1, Director commentary, Concept art, Trailer.)