Short Takes

It may be a B-movie fish story, but auteurs Donald Glut and Kevin Glover claim they lost EIGHT starlets to cold feet and jealous boyfriends during production of their most ambitious romp since Dinosaur Valley Girls. One wonders what sultry visions THOSE gals might have been, because these fellas are clearly EXPERTS on how to cast a deliciously fleshy flick about a twin-torpedo'd Egyptian sorceress (Ava Niche) willing to kill, diddle, or perhaps diddle THEN kill, anyone who hinders her reunion with the reincarnation of her long, lost lesbian love (Meadow Soprano-ish Sasha Peralta). Behold their amorous flashback sequences in ancient Egypt, shot at what appears to be a lower-tier Hollywood mogul's home, with CGI pyramids strategically blocking out the smoggy skyline. Not that anyone would really pay much mind with Ms. Niche precariously strapped into the most SPECTACULAR heavy-metal bikini since Return of the Jedi. Speaking of wardrobe, ponder WHY veteran B-idol Richard Lynch would insist on wearing that ridiculous CAPE as a modern-day Egyptology professor? But the first real portent of what delirious fun lies ahead is right there in the opening credits when high school wrestler Katie Lohmann, Playboy's Miss April 2001, undulates her saline orbs to soaring strains of "Swan Lake" as the goddess Isis. 22 breasts. Four corpses. Lesbian tongue rasslin. One CRUNCHY mummy. Poolside diddling. Spikes to the eyesockets. Horn'd up coeds eager for extra credit. Gratuitous "shot fired while struggling over gun" scene. (2002, 88 mins, 1.85:1, DD 2.0, Glut/Glover commentary, Bloopers, FX reel, Extended dancing girls footage, Trailers.)