Short Takes

What does this have to do with the original? Beyond a crude and suspiciously tacked-on prologue ... Zilch! That '70s Chick Mila Kunis blathers endlessly about really, really wanting to be Captain Kirk's teaching assistant as she's backed by monkeys churning a nearly neverending circus calliope. I say "nearly," because the simian soundtrack IS interrupted nearly a dozen times for "Dawson's Creek"-style music video interludes by hipsters like Old '97s. Anyway, Ms. Kunis murders each of her TA rivals so she can land a gig at the FBI and catch serial killers who, presumably, aren't as CUTE as she is. Hi-larious, huh!? Nary a snicker. Although it isn't often CineSchlockers can spy Bill Shatner as a lecherous college professor and mumbling auteur Morgan J. Freeman may have logged the industry's WORST solo commentary. He weathers the second track -- Uh huh. TWO!!! -- a bit better with Mila alongside to giggle at weary crutch phrases such as "mind f@#%" and "I ONLY HAD 20 DAYS TO FILM THIS!!!" No breasts, however freeze-frame perverts should proceed directly to timecode 51:45 and behold the wonder of notch three of Mila's "clicker" bra. 12 corpses. Gratuitous Bob Dylan reference. Prophylactic strangulation. "Star Trek" booty call. Mop-handle lobotomy. One anime afro. (2002, 88 mins, 1.85:1 anam, DD 5.1, Deleted scenes, Trailers, Outtakes under the original title "The Girl Who Wouldn't Die" feature Mr. Freeman's onset snooze.)