I just had a look at this zany sex comedy about a bunch of Transylvanian bloodsuckers partying like drunken spring-breakers. It's kinda like you'd imagine Benny Hill Meets Dracula to be. Only take out Benny, keep the nekkid broads, but have the whole thing done by a bunch of high-larious folks from Germany. What ya get is The Vampire Happening (1970, 101 minutes).

The movie: Betty Williams (Pia Degermark) is a big-time Hollywood starlet whose great, great something-or-another kicked off and left her a Transylvanian fixer-upper next door to an all-girls school run by monks. Betty loves a good challenge, so she teases her chaste neighbors by leaving her drapes wide and displaying her remarkable talents. Later, she decides she'd like to do a little genealogy -- first hand -- and trudges down to the family crypt and starts popping open caskets, until she reaches one that the butler emphatically demands she NOT open. Well, you guessed it, SHE OPENS THE COFFIN to find her perfectly preserved great-grandma, Clairmonde Catani (also Pia). Only nothing really happens until Betty leaves. That's when grandma crawls out and starts hunting man meat. What ensues is the typical role-switching confusion. Clairmonde diddles Betty's beau, then Betty's frustrated when he can't, ahem, perform. The most bewildered, and most freaked out, is Joseph the grey-haired butler who warned against poking around the crypt in the first place. He has many of the funniest bits, including when he dawns a knight's helmet to protect his neck from the hickey patrol. The who's-who gag eventually moves the story to a swinging soiree where all the vamps gather to see and be seen, with the guest of honor, Dracula (Ferdy Mayne), arriving by helicopter. It's far out, man. Parts will seem rather familiar to fans of The Fearless Vampire Killers -- especially Mayne (aka. Count Von Krolock).

Notables: 27 breasts. Four corpses. Kinky in-flight movie. Boobie Jell-O. Flashing. Pornographic plant life. Gratuitous gay flight attendant. Neck gnawing. One stuffed dog. Multiple diddling. Toe kissing. Fainting. Gratuitous vamp rock band. Bat copter. Lesbian tongue rasslin. Vampire Commie. Tire biting. Gratuitous vampire hissing.

Quotables: Betty Williams opens her dead relative's coffin to find a rat living among the bones, "What a quaint custom. Burying the pets with their owners." Clairmonde gets cozy with a monk, "You're grasping my left offensive." Count Dracula delivers a Plasma Club pep talk, "Death to the living! Joy of living to the dead!" A line typical of the film's wit, "Oh boy! A dentist would make a small fortune around here!"

Time codes: Buxom actress really had to stretch in this role (10:05). Radio Transylvania (13:22). Betty catches up on her Dracula lore (25:28). Plain ol' human nookie (37:50). Car license plate reads VM-1PR (1:10:20). Four luscious blondes and the wrinkled vamp who loves them (1:25:40).

Audio/Video: Satisfactory Dolby Digital mono soundtrack. Original ratio widescreen (1.66:1) print is a bit grainy.

Extras: Theatrical trailer. Insert card with reproduction of German theatrical poster.

Final thought: Campy? Yes. Funny? Sorta. This fleshy flick earns higher marks, mostly thanks to its starlets. Recommended.

G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.