Alright, we got fogged up camera lenses and a 1980s sax-to-sex-by soundtrack, so it can only be a flick by none other than the great Zalman King. Mr. Nine 1/2 Weeks. Mr. Wild Orchid. The fella that gave David Duchovny a stack of dirty letters and had him read them real late at night on Showtime. Zalman's an innovator, and truth be told, largely responsible for slipping softcore porn into the mainstream. His second directorial effort, Two Moon Junction (1988, 106 minutes), is mainly in response to the boffo success of Nine 1/2 Weeks, which he co-wrote and produced two years earlier. This time out, King had a message: "Society's double standard allows for a young man's exploration of his sexual feelings, often considering him 'cute' for it. On the other hand, a woman is bound by a much higher ethic that prevents such desires from being satisfied." Uh huh. Does Sherilyn Fenn get nekkid in this one? You bet.

The movie: CineSchlockers will remember Ms. Fenn from such classics as the gender-bending, teen-sex comedy Just One of the Guys and The Wraith about a space-alien speed freak. Here, she's Southern honey April DeLongpre, who's two weeks away from getting hitched to her preppie beau, Chad (Martin Hewitt). It's a match made for the society column -- they even drive matching BMWs. His is racy red, while hers is virginal white. In fact, April (who's also very pale) is almost ALWAYS wearing or surrounded by white. Even the bathroom titles in one of her more lurid scenes are white. It's the one where she removes a tile to reveal a peep hole into the country club's male showers. Naughty girl. But, still, she fends off Chad's advances. Ol' Zalman has other plans for her. When she takes her giggling sisters to the fair, she meets Perry, a carny, traveling philosopher and hunka-hunka burnin love who has a REAL hard time keeping his shirt on. Richard Tyson had just come off another film where he also played a tough guy, as Three O'Clock High's Buddy "Don't Touch Me" Revell. Here, he as actual dialogue, though, where he says stuff like, "I've known a May and a June, but never an April." And he picks up April by showing up in her shower and daring her to throw him out. She acts repulsed but before you know it, they're diddling frantically on the floor, while Perry's video camera documents the moment for their grandkids. Now all this free love can't go unpunished, not in proper Southern society, so that's where Nurse Ratched comes in. Yep, Louise Fletcher is Belle, April's stinkin rich grandma who is dead-set on her granddaughter marrying the fella in the red Bimmer, not the 18-wheeler. She enlists the aid of, get this, Burl Ives as the town's thousand-year-old Sheriff Earl Hawkins. He stalks April, reporting her steamy indiscretions back to the Queen Bitch. The cast is peppered with other familiar faces like Dabbs Greer the "Little House On The Prairie" preacher and a pre-teen Milla Jovovich in her first movie role. Perry's a Lifetime Network fantasy date. He's mysterious, rugged, even piggish. But once April has lots of sex with him, she starts to see his vulnerable side: the one that wears glasses when he shoots pool, the guy who cries like a baby when the bad guys kill his dog. Poor, poor, Perry. Not only is his dog knifed, Sheriff Hawkins makes him DIG IT UP and BURN IT. That's just how MEAN this town can be. Anyway, the flick was followed by the sequel Return to Two Moon Junction, in which April's sister Savannah (Mindy Clarke of the immortal Return of the Living Dead 3) faces a similar dilemma. Louise Fletcher returned as Belle, but that's about it. Also look for "Saturday Night Live" gal Molly Shannon.

Notables: Six breasts. Ballroom dancing. Gratuitous Herve "Tattoo" Villechaize. Runaway Tilt-A-Whirl. Switchblade brandishing. One dead dog. Shirt ripping. Contraceptive care package. Amateur home video.

Quotables: Perry sums up his life, "I ain't got nothing but a bike, a truck, and a post office box in Clearwater, Florida." April to Perry at the first of the movie, "You frighten me." At the end of the movie, "You hollow, manipulative piece of s@#$! ... everything you are is between your legs!" Perry's bisexual plaything (Kristy McNichol) sweet-talks April, "It's at moments like these that I can see why guys like women so much."

Time codes: Sherilyn's first shower scene of the film (7:25). A beautiful depiction of female bonding in a gas station bathroom (42:35). A guy who looks an awful lot like Howard Stern (51:20). The big carnival brawl (59:30). And from one of this year's favorites, Dance With The Devil, the late great Screamin' Jay Hawkins (1:37:45).

Audio/Video: Presented in both wide (1.85:1) and fullscreen versions. And, yes, without vertical cropping, a few extra naughty bits are visible via the fullframe option. The video quality leaves a lot to be desired, especially in the fullscreen version -- where there's enough digital shimmering to make some scenes seem as though they're teeming with microscopic life. Or maybe I just drank too much Dr Pepper. Respectable Dolby Digital 2.0 audio.

Extras: None.

Final thought: While Sherilyn is lovely, her sullen character's post-nookie sobbing fits sure douse the flames of passion. Where Zalman's work has often sizzled, this movie fizzles, despite the spectacular talents of Ms. Fenn and Ms. McNichol. Recommended.

G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.