A quirky whore. A gaggle of witches. A vain wizard. A blue guy with horns. And a foul-mouthed parrot. There, my friends, is a recipe for drive-in gold. So, how'd writer/director/star Jon Jacobs manage to screw up Lucinda's Spell (1998, 105 minutes)? Well, it's B-O-R-I-N-G. And that's a real shame.

The movie: Lucinda (Cristina Fulton) is a New Orleans prostitute who diddles mostly weirdos -- a Vietnam vet, a phony priest, and she also unknowingly beds the descendent of Merlin, and later bares his child. Not long afterward she gives the little yard monster up for adoption. She's also a practicing witch, who creates a new market for herself by conjuring up aid for impotent Johns. Still, she misses her boy and sets to get him back. Lucinda also wants to join the reindeer games of a local group of witches, but is ostracized by the coven who disapprove of her career path. Meanwhile, Johnny Appleseed, er, The First Horn (Jacobs) arrives in New Orleans to cavort with the ladies. After all, it's his birthright as a descendent of Merlin, or something. All the witch gals can't wait to show him their hungry newts. Lucinda included. But, heyyyyyy, wait a minute! He looks familiar! The movie just sorta peters off in a couple different directions, while Jacobs reminds himself how "radical" his hair looks. Eagle-eyed CineSchlockers will know that Jason appeared ever so briefly in Different Strokes: The Story of Jack & Jill ... and Jill -- the flick where TV's Dana Plato tongue rassled a buxom brunette in a shower.

Notables: Eight breasts. Three corpses. Mule-drawn carriage. Sex'd-up parrot. Fire hose attack. Wild driving. Fire breathing. One human brain. Sling shot flinging. Gratuitous urination. Multiple fireballs. Cross dressing. Four-foot whangdoodle. Magic spells. Multiple diddling. Jaw dislocation as foreplay.

Quotables: Beatrice, the Queen Bitch (Shana Betz), snaps at Lucinda, "What's it to you, Spread-your-legs?" Beatrice's henchman taunts Jason, "Lady, he's a lover, not a fighter" and "You're still a free range chicken s@#%!"

Time codes: The Spanking of the Whores (35:40). Jon Jacobs indulges his ego in front of a mirror (59:48). The enormous talents of Stephanie Swinney (1:15:45).

Audio/Video: Respectable widescreen transfer (2.35:1), although much of the movie is dark, and because of that fact, there's a fair amount of pixelation. Passable soundtrack.

Extras: If you've heard about this film at all, it's probably because of E! Entertainment's "Sex on the Rivera" or "Wild On Italy." Both programs featured segments on Lucinda's Spell, while Jacobs and his harem were on their "Sex is Magic" campaign. Out of those, E! received numerous emails asking about the chesty babe who posed for an Italian sculptor -- the aforementioned Ms. Swinney. Frankly, the 10 minutes of footage is far more entertaining than the movie. Plus, there's also an uninspired behind-the-scenes reel (3 minutes). A trailer.

Final thought: Not as sexy as the marketing folks would have us believe. An odd flick, but tragically, not an interesting one. Rent it.

G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.