Here's a tip to all you single girls who've inherited your dead grandmother's expansive and isolated estate:

If the backyard shed is occupied by, say, Tom Sizemore, my advice is to abandon your inheritance and find yourself the closest cruise to Tahiti.

Alas, the main character in the stupidly titled Ring Around the Rosie does not heed my advice, opting instead to wander aimlessly and meander endlessly through her dead granny mansion, never once stopping to realize "Hey, Tom Sizemore lives in my backyard shed! I really oughtta get out of here!!"

The endless tedium of the one-note plot is occasionally interrupted by an extended dream sequence punctuated by a fake scare, but since none of this material has anything to do with the film, I say you can safely scan right past these moments. (Indeed, you could watch the entire movie on FF and you wouldn't miss much.)

So this chick keeps wandering and Sizemore keeps acting all nice, which doesn't fool anyone except the main girl, of course. Then the pretty blonde sister shows up and Sizemore, now aroused, starts showing his true colors. (He starts spittling when he talks and waves his knife around a little more often.)

And then it all just plays out like you'd expect: rabid Sizemore and two shrieking women.

Drably directed, sloppily written, and an absolute chore to sit through, Ring Around the Rosie is something you'd watch on HBO19, because you recognize the girl from Jeepers Creepers, before opting for entertainment a bit more challenging -- like the Game Show Network.

The DVD

Video: Anamorphic Widescreen (1.85:1). Audio: Dolby Digital 5.1, with optional subtitles in English and French.

Extras: Just a bunch of trailers for Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King, Hostel, The Cave, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, End Game, The Russian Specialist, Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, and "Horror Compilation."

Final Thoughts

It's a one-note, two-character yawn-fest that doesn't even feign an interest in holding, engaging, or surprising an audience. Trust me, skip it.