Hmmm. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Hilton seems to have overtaken Richie in the "Celebutard Sweepstakes" simply by hanging tough and remaining totally irrelevant as a human being, while Richie has moved back a point by having a child (always a big "awwwww!" factor for the shady press). When The Simple Life first debuted back 2003, I tuned in once or twice, felt a deep, abiding shame, and never returned. I don't have a problem with disposable TV (in fact I celebrate it), but I dislike intensely how these two warped individuals have been elevated by the press that then hypocritically castigates them. There's nothing more sickening to me than seeing a press that continually screams, "Rape!" while simultaneously dropping its pants. If you hate everything that these two women stand for, why do you keep writing about them, and taking pictures of them? I suspect an overindulgent, values-lax upbringing made Hilton and Richie who they are as human beings, but the two-faced, scandal-obsessed, salacious media is responsible for plastering them all over the TV and newspapers, forcing me to acknowledge that such venal stupidity actually exists.

Which brings me to the ultimate irony and depression of having to watch Hilton and Richie for 218 minutes...and then write about them (in the immortal words of conman extraordinaire Jimmy Swaggart, "I have sinned against you, oh Lord!"). 20th Century-Fox has released The Simple Life 5: Goes to Camp, a miserable, stunningly poor faux-reality series that is so ineptly put together, it's a wonder that Fox even bothered to...oh; never mind. For this fifth go-around, the Wonder Twins ("Celebutard Powers, activate!") are taken to a remote wilderness camp, where they'll act as camp counselors, while busloads of cast accomplices are brought in for various weekend workshops. There's a "wellness camp," a couples therapy camp, a children's beauty pageant camp, a survivalist camp, and an actor's camp, and naturally, Nicole and Paris get to join right in on all the hideous fun.

Evidently, the makers of The Simple Life 5: Goes to Camp have totally abandoned the central façade of Paris and Nicole actually "working" for money. There's no attempt to recreate the format of the other seasons which evidently (or so I've read) were predicated on the "suspense" of whether or not the tiresome twosome would, a) get along with their more plebian hosts/employers, and b) whether or not they would they survive on "regular people" money. Here, money is never discussed, and the girls really don't work, per se. They participate in all the fake camp activities, but there's never any question they'll be fired or "let go." The family that owns the camp (I'll leave their names off here; they've already - or should - suffered enough shame), headed up by "Big Chief Ed," are obviously in on the whole thing, and play their parts as expected. Grade Z celebrities such as Susan Powter ('Stop the insanity,' Susan? No - stop showing up on my TV) and a pathetic Sally Kirkland also drop by, fully briefed by the producers to "go along" with the obvious set-ups for Paris and Nicole, in a travesty of cinema verite.

That's certainly one of the main difficulties I had with The Simple Life 5: Goes to Camp. There's not even a half-hearted attempt to convince me that maybe some of this soulless, worthless junk is real. It's all so calculated and cold and manipulative that to describe it as "joyless" is to be kind. I'm not sure who this show is aimed at (please tell me it's not young, impressionable girls), but it's really quite striking in its hard veneer of scheming, premeditated offensiveness. If the opening episode doesn't make you fear that the Seventh Seal has been broken (the girls not only dispense enemas to overweight campers, they make fun of them to their, um...faces), the show goes way over the line when it features several episodes devoted to a children's beauty pageant camp. I think I'm safe in saying that 99% of parents out there already view such pageants as hideous, deeply wrong expressions of misguided parental aspirations. But when Hilton and especially Richie here, start messing around with little kids, it's fairly shocking that nobody seems to care. When Richie sickeningly compliments a young girl's "tits," revulsion should be the only response a decent human being could summon. Such behavior scripted and condoned by the producers, broadcast by a multi-million dollar corporation, and enacted by these, these things, shouldn't produce condemnation, but jail time for all concerned.

The DVD:

The Video:
The full frame, 1.33:1 video transfer of The Simple Life 5: Goes to Camp looks bright and clear, with no compression issues dominant.

The Audio:
The Dolby Digital English 3.0 Surround audio track is more than enough mix to cleanly hear every inanity uttered by these two thoroughly loathsome human beings.

The Extras:
There are no extras for The Simple Life 5: Goes to Camp.

Final Thoughts:
Dogs are known to eat their own vomit and sh*t; it's an unpleasant fact of life, but at least most of us don't have to view it on a regular basis. Which brings us to The Simple Life 5: Goes to Camp. I have no use for Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, but even though these two false-fronted, shellacked, cretinous automatons have their own show to parade their empty souls around on, who cares? I can always change the channel. But when children, already exploited by their parents, are entered into this equation, it's time for warrants to be issued for all concerned. Skip The Simple Life 5: Goes to Camp.