It's no secret why one of the very first films ever made is Thomas Edison Studios' interpretation of Frankenstein. Horror is damn easy. Unfortunately a century on, horror is still easy. But now instead of the shock of the new - seeing pictures move - we get a century's-worth of clichés employed as something of a crass resume item. Enter Albino Farm, another in a horrifically long line of horror films with little to nothing new to offer the genre, but with the desire to take a lot: your money and your time, specifically. It's not to say that Albino Farm doesn't have about three minutes of material that makes you remember why you picked the darn thing up in the first place, it's just that everything surrounding those minutes is so insultingly, willfully derivative that you're better off simply reminiscing about horror movies by candlelight than watching the thing.
Though possible to sketch in the plot in about seven words, I'll go the extra mile. A group of purported teenagers is on the road with the intent on doing some 'research' for a 'school project'. There's a smart chick, a slutty chick, a nerdy guy and a jerky guy. They're traveling through a rural area when they get a flat tire and meet up with some creepy, inbred-type locals. They act completely rude and condescending. They get to the small town-center, where everyone treats them strangely. They ask for help in finding a legendary creepy place nicknamed Albino Farm, and are shown the way by some rough, resentful teenaged losers. Then a bunch of them are killed.
Were it not for that one three-minute scene there'd be absolutely nothing to recommend Albino Farm, save some semi-gory, flash-edit-style kills. The movie seems willfully, defiantly similar to hundreds of movies that have come before. As P.T, Barnum is oft quoted as saying, "there's a sucker born every minute," by which I mean these haggard tropes may actually be new to a few viewers out there. But as anyone who gets it together enough to write and direct a horror movie should know, this stuff is tired beyond belief. Which makes one wonder if writer/directors Joe Anderson and Sean McEwen aren't, as the British say, taking the piss. Are they kidding us? Is this supposed to be a spoof? Or are they giving the absolute bare minimum just to get the film in the bag? It's a moot point, since this embarrassing amalgam of elements hasn't the wit or wiles to hold interest, much less be some kind of satire.
Beyond the cardboard characters (at least the slutty one is hot) there's, like, one nod to near-innovation - having the nerdy guy be from India. Twin freaks and their weird red-headed friend in a hot-rod lend a small element of creepy humor and verve, but the rest is along the lines of kids getting in trouble, and one of them grabbing for the cell phone and exclaiming "shit! No bars!" (This happens twice, by the way.)
Eventually freak-show mutants show up to start breaking people's hands off, which leads to the only element of merit - a topless humpy-humpy scene with a mutant in a bridal veil - it's a moment of base crudity and horror that shocks the numb brain cells out of their stupor just long enough to make you wonder why there's nothing else even remotely as interesting in the movie. Sadly, it's followed by plenty of quick-cut running through the woods and kill scenes so spastically edited as to be incomprehensible. For a movie that makes the term cliché seem impotent, Albino Farm really excels at being everything you've seen before rendered inert. But it's got that one scene, doesn't it?
Our MTI DVD-Rom screener comes in a 1.85:1 ratio widescreen format, but is not indicative of final product. However, the picture is fairly clear and detailed, but colors are on the moody, grayish side.
The digital stereo mix is also not indicative of final product, but if the fact that soundtrack music is deafeningly loud compared to dialog is any indication, you'll need to be close to your remote at all times.
No extras are presented on this screener.
Save one edgy scene of 'humpy-humpy' (more or less) with a mutant, Albino Farm simply presents a bunch of teen-kill horror movie clichés with almost zero flair or sincerity. In fact it's so blatantly derivative it almost seems like a joke. Some creepy mutant makeup and a relatively brutal kill or two (in spastic edit mode) fulfill some small amount of obligation to horror fans, but it's probably best to just Skip It in favor something with a modicum of originality.
- Kurt Dahlke
~ More of Dahlke's DVD Talk reviews here at DVD Talk I'm not just a writer, I paint colorful, modern abstracts, too! Check them out here KurtDahlke.com