The Plot:
The omnibus-esque story - the title comes from each vignette being treated like a "short" film - revolves around Mr. Black (James Spader) and his PDA styled Black Box device. As part of the closed off corporate community working for the sinister man, we meet our narrator, Toby Thompson (Jimmy Bennett). His well meaning parents (Leslie Mann, Jon Cryer) are employed by Mr. Black and are desperate to come up with some new designs for his signature line. One day, a rainbow colored rock falls from the sky. It has the ability to grant wishes. With it in their grasp, we see how the magic object affects the lives of next door neighbors Nose (Jake Short), and Dr. Noseworthy (William H. Macy), brothers Lug (Rebel Rodriguez), Laser (Leo Howard), and Loogie (Trevor Gagnon), as well as Toby's sister Stacey (Kat Dennings). When Mr. Black discovers its existence, however, he must have it for his very own. So must his bratty bully children Cole (Devon Gearhart) and Helvetica (Jolie Vanier).

The DVD:
You have to give Robert Rodriguez credit - no one believes that they are more in touch with contemporary, Ritalin controlled children than the one man movie machine. When he's not indulging in a little of the good old fashioned ultra-violence, he's churning out the kind of super sour pixie stick juvenilia that the Tonka to tween set supposedly love. In his pre-pubescent world, boogers and butt noises rule, adults drool, and the universe is made up of magic, anarchy, and most importantly - PAYBACK! Indeed, Shorts is the kind of candy coated wish fulfillment that every dorky Fifth grader wishes could happen to him or her. Our mouth-breathing hero is so psycho-uber-nerdy that we wonder if another Toby - Radloff - knows he is stealing his "genuine" title. His tormentors - black badass offspring Cole and Helvetica - are standard issue villains. All they need are a couple of moustaches to twirls and a few orphans to disenfranchise and they'd be at home in any early 20th century silent melodrama. The rest of the cast are the standard cinematic archetypes, perhaps best listed by John Hughes in Ferris Bueller's Day Off - "geeks, sportos, motorheads, dweebs, dorks, sluts, and buttheads."

Of course, all of this would be mighty fine had Rodriguez found a way to epitomize his points. Joe Dante could make this kind of movie in his half-drowsy power nap sleep. But Shorts seems shot specifically to mimic the audience attending, not wow or overwhelm them. The special effects (forged out of the filmmakers own Austin version of ILM) look chintzy and decidedly old school. The elements at play - dung beetles, a giant killer booger, an alligator army, and some small fry aliens - are equally antiquated chapeau. The best bit comes toward the end, when it looks like Rodriguez will riff on the country's current obsession with all things Autobot and Decepticon. But then, sadly, Shorts steps away from the lampoon and instead tries to ape Michael Bay and his 'more equals moronic' ploys, passing the lack of entertainment saving grace onto his cinematic customers. By the end, when everyone's learned a lesson and the universe has re-righted itself in the eyes of adults, we are eager for Rodriguez to climb out of the sandbox and get to those sequels of Sin City, pronto.

You see, Shorts is symptomatic of what's wrong with the current crop of kids' films these days. Slapstick and other farcical physical comedy are tough in today's Jackass and Viva La Bam environ. If people (and in this case, actors) aren't displacing limbs and breaking bones, no one is laughing. Similarly, the notion that early adolescents are enamored of all things gross, icky, and otherwise disgusting was worn out around 1993. Today, wee ones are so locked into texting, technology, and TMZ that they could care less about oversized mucus men. Granted, they may giggle when one of the various slumming A-listers flails about and falls on their bottom, but for the most part, they will see Shorts as something silly, uninspired, and dull. And anyone over the age of 15 needs to recognize the limits of what Rodriguez is vying for and steer clear. You'll find yourself rolling your eyes more than doubling over in laughter as the film stumbles along. As a hit or miss experiment, a chance for a dedicated father to toss progeny friendly ideas at a movie screen to see what sticks, Shorts is mildly tolerable. As something meant to inspire generations of film fandom, it sucks!

The Video:
Shot on the cheap but still rather polished, the home video version of Shorts is clearly geared away from the DVD purist. There is an unnecessary full screen (1.33:1) presentation of the film which significantly squashes Rodriguez's cartoon antics. The 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer is much better. The colors are vibrant and the image is crisp and clean. Sometimes, the picture is so good you can see where the cut-rate F/X kick in, but otherwise, Shorts looks like any other example of recent child friendly fare (right Aliens in the Attic?).

The Audio:
Decent, but nothing to draw treasure maps over. The Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround mix manages to toss around ambient noise, mock action/adventure scoring, and easily decipherable dialogue with ease. The speakers get something of a workout, though they only show off significantly during the ridiculously over the top finale.

The Extras:
Sadly, the one element this movie needs more than anything else - an explanatory commentary track - is completely missing from the DVD's added content. In its stead are two Ten Minute Film School segments, one dealing with the movie's making (interesting), the other revolving around how to create some tasty looking homemade chocolate chip volcano cookies. Oddly enough, the Blu-ray release doesn't really provide anything of added significance.

Final Thoughts:
It should come as no surprise that this critic likes his Robert Rodriguez on the decidedly Marv and Miho side of the cinema street. While the first two Spy Kids were fine, the rest of the filmmaker's attempts to be father of the year are specious at best. When he's hitting on all six cinematic cylinders, Rodriguez can be a zombie-killing, noir-reinventing machine. When he's coasting, he's too cool for even elementary school. Some in your immediate gene pool may enjoy this overindulgent exercise is narrative dumbing down. For them, only a Recommended will do. Others will be poised to pop a cap in a certain director's aspirations. For them, it's Skip It. Compromise being the key to understanding the current commercial framework, a score of Rent It will be offered. This means that those who like the boys all sharked up and their girls laced with lava will have a chance to judge this title for themselves without breaking the parental bank book. Robert Rodriguez is still the rare filmmaker who can get the fanbase excited when his next project (Predator, anyone?) is announced. Shorts, however, should stand as a cautionary reminder of the difference between anticipation and realization.

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