Columnist's note (4/8): Seduction has reissued an R-rated cut as "Lord of the Strings" minus about 30 minutes of canoodling too bawdy for the MPAA (and more importantly, Blockbuster).
Our beloved sultans of sleaze in New Jersey show no signs of slowing, or putting their clothes back on either. Bless their little black hearts for THAT! Only four years ago, John Bacchus and the Seduction Cinema gang singularly revived the sexploitation genre with The Erotic Witch Project, which rose from an unprecedented crush of Blair Witch parodies to spawn TWO fleshy sequels with a third likely to spring up when it's least expected. So far, they've proven flick after flick that there's NO pop culture phenom that couldn't substantially benefit from a lesbian-friendly reinterpretation. But Bacchus truly bested Seduction's previous softcore spoofs with Misty Mundae's starlet-making turn in Play-Mate of the Apes, which easily ranked among the best genre releases of 2002. Now producer "J.R.R. Bacchus" and writer/director Terry M. West are poised to hit boobie-hungry geeks right smack where they live and OBSESS with this zany ode to the vaguely homoerotic adventures of one Frodo Baggins.
In the mystical land of Diddle Earth live bisexual folk called Throbbits, although as Dildo Saggins (Mundae) explains, they'd be more accurately dubbed trisexuals as "the horny little bastards will TRY anything!" [Rimshot if you please.] It's as Saggins and her frisky ilk are living up to their reputation with an annual free-love fest that she encounters the great and powerfully drunk Smirnoff the Wizard (Michael R. Thomas) who encourages her to see what she can fish from beneath his robes. To his disappointment, Dildo only wraps her fingers around an enchanted g-string which once adorned the nethers of the evil Whorespank (Paige Richards) who was accidentally slain in a really, really epic battle (staged by at least a HALF DOZEN Renaissance festival enthusiasts). After turning down a myriad of Smirnoff's slurred come-ons, tiny Dildo cautiously consents to return the g-string, an erotic weapon of untold powers, to Party Pooper Volcano from whence it spawned. But, of course, she insists on bringing along her favorite playmates Spam (A.J. Khan) and Horny (CineSchlocker idol Darian Caine typecast again.) Together they embrace peril after peril often three and four at a time with breathless abandon, especially when joined by Araporn (Barbara Joyce) who selflessly clings by Dildo's side deep into the night. It's a wonder our Throbbit heroines get ANYWHERE, actually, given all the sapphic "togetherness" that punctuates their quest -- easily FORTY fleshy minutes of the total running time capped by one of Seduction's trademark climatic, all-skate orgies.
Not only is this sinful sucker sexy, it's goldang hilarious thanks to West's Zucker Brothers-inspired script, Mike Thomas' tour de farce performance as Smirnoff and Ms. Mundae's amusing hippy chick swagger, which is, like, SOLID, man! In fact, the flick's only, ahem, SOUR note is the walking fart joke Sourass (John P. Fedele) and his dutch oven of death. Let's hope he figures less into the sequel. While offering casting notes, fans will no doubt clamour for more screen time for twin-torpedo'd Polish sensation Anoushka who delivers dialogue such as "Ooooo! I like!!!" with unmatched authenticity. CineSchlockers interested in getting to know this rising starlet better need look no further than the Play-Mate of the Apes disc which features an on-set "naked" interview where she quells a stressful shoot with some impromptu "me time."
22 breasts. Six corpses. Advanced lesbian tongue rasslin. Copious CGI shenanigans. Table dancing. Rainbow pony wishing. Gratuitous cartoon sound effects. Deadly flatulence. Lesbian bar brawl. Racking. Deflowering. Gratuitous electric bagpipe music. Ms. Mundae admits, "I'm not noble and pure! I cheated on the SATs! I've knocked off liquor stores! I piss in the shower! I stole your wallet a couple minutes ago!" Later she charms Ruby LaRocca, "Hey gorgeous, wanna see why they call me Dildo!?" And toward the final reel, she beams, "Right on! I finally made it to lesbian heaven!" While Mr. Thomas really hams up great lines such as "Once when I was at band camp, I told this obnoxious little girl what she could do with her flute!" and "Have you ever played Pull the Taffy with a really OLD man?"
Before perusing any other extra, dash over to the always-generous trailer vault and behold the spectacular Spider-Babe teaser that's CERTAIN to send CineSchlockers into salivatory spasms. More on that this fall. But its director, Johnny Crash, contributes this disc's behind-the-scenes footage featuring run 'n' gun interviews with sword-wielding stunt dudes, bare nekkid starlets and the auteur who valiantly attempts to wrangle them all, Mr. West. Add the second reel of "raw" footage and its squarely in feature-length territory. However, in this case, more doesn't mean better, as it seems the two could've been edited into a tighter, more cohesive final product without compromising its ogle factor. With that nit picked, don't overlook the ingenious easter egg that explores the enigma that is CineSchlocker muse John Link. (2003, 98 mins, Fullframe, DD 2.0, Featurettes, Music video, Trailers.)
G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.