It really is amazing how terrible a movie can be and yet still earn a big enthusiastic DVD release as if it were an actual piece of filmed entertainment that's worthy of your time, money and effort.

Trust me on this one, people, and this is coming from a guy who lived through/survived the Wretched Teen-Sex Comedy Flood of the Mid-'80s: The Naked Mile is one of the lamest, laziest and most shockingly amateurish comedies I've ever seen. The fact that Universal wants to keep riding the "American Pie" gravy train is no big shock; that they put so little effort or creativity into these video sequels, well, it's kind of a slap in the face. Just because someone's looking for a mindless college comedy, that doesn't mean that person is a mentally-deficient moron -- but that's precisely what The Naked Mile (and its equally pathetic predecessor, Band Camp) is: witless, worthless and unwatchable.

The story focuses on a member of the Stifler family who is not an amazing sleazeball. This particular Stifler is, despite accidentally killing his grandmother with a volley of flying semen, a sweet and sensitive little guy, one who comes complete with a virginal girlfriend who is forever making him wait to participate in the "the dirty deed." But when Virgin-girl gets stupid, she tells her equally virginal Stifler "Hey, you can have a free pass to have sex when you travel up to the college for a wild weekend with your cousin Dwight Stifler." (Yes, another one.)

So off goes Nice Guy to spend a predictably raucous college weekend with his friends and sex-crazed cousin Dwight. And if you thought The Naked Mile sounded pretty terrible already ... just wait till the college schtick hits the screen. Huge chunks of running time are dedicated to A) a football game against midgets, B) random leering stupidity, C)the titular "naked mile" that offers a few flopping breasts and nothing in the chuckles department, D) a post-finale "boner contest" that ranks among the most embarrassingly witless things I've ever seen.

Basically, The Naked Mile is the sort of thing that a bunch of 14-year-olds would put together. Clueless, horny and entirely talent-deficient 14-year-olds. Most of the "gags" are delivered in a wide-eyed "ain't we funny?!?!?" approach, despite the fact that Erik Lindsay's worthless screenplay is full of groaners that would have been booed off a 1929 vaudeville stage. Director Joe Nussbaum (who did the excellent short George Lucas in Love before being assimilated into the Hollywood machine by way of the godawful Sleepover) has no idea how to frame a gag, time a joke, or deliver a reaction shot that's not reminiscient of, let's say, your average run-of-the-mill toothpaste commercial.

The acting is atrocious across the board (Steve Talley as "Dwight Stifler" makes for one of the least appealing movie characters I've ever seen), the screenplay is entirely bereft of laughs, the entire movie looks like it was shot in one weekend (not to mention one take), and the merciless freakin' thing has the audacity to run for over 100 interminable minutes, as if there's something buried in its final frames that are actually worth savoring. Call me a snooty snob if you like, but I can name a dozen "slob college sex comedies" that I think are pretty damn funny. The Naked Mile is about as funny as a mule kick to the nuts.

Oops, I think I just gave someone a good idea for American Pie Presents: Mule Kick to the Nuts. Sorry.

The DVD

Audio/Video: Dolby Digital (English, French, Spanish) 5.1, with optional subtitles in the same three languages. The movie is presented in a widescreen (1.85:1) anamorphic format, but it doesn't masquerade the project's stunningly chintzy look, feel and approach.

Extras

A bunch of generally worthless featurettes are included:

The Yoga Guide to Getting Girls (3:33) has a farting moron visiting a yoga class. Genius.

The Bare Essentials (4:19) shows us what it's like for actors to get their ass-cracks waxed. Brilliant.

Little People, Big Stunts (6:50) focuses on the hilarity that inevitably occurs when midgets get thrown into the mud. Hilarious.

Life on The Naked Mile (16:38) is a generically standard behind-the-scenes "making of" piece. Cast and crew members pretend they're making a real movie while joking around all over the set. Fascinating.

Also included are six minutes of deleted scenes, an outtake reel and an audio commentary with director Joe Nussbaum, writer Erik Lindsay, and cast members Jake Siegel, John White, Ross Thomas & Steve Talley that's laden with trivial information, self-congratulation, and tons of forced chuckles.

Final Thoughts

And yes, Eugene Levy somehow manages to wedge himself into two or three embarrassingly flimsy scenes, thereby marking the guy's career low with very little effort.

Bottom Line: I don't know who's out there buying the American Pie video sequels, but I sure do wish they'd stop.