It seems like just yesterday Alicia Silverstone first started gnawing on her lower lip and wiggling her money maker in Aerosmith videos. That was also about the time she starred in The Crush (1993, 89 minutes), a film lauded by MTV and beloved by horn dogs across this great land of ours. But oh, how sweet Alicia has fallen. The indignity of Batman & Robin. And even Shakespeare shill Kenneth Branagh made her do one of Bill's least liked plays -- as a MUSICAL!!! The horror!!!

The movie: The blond fella from The Princess Bride rents a room above some rich folks' garage and soon their 14-year-old daughter is peeping at him through the shrubbery. Nick (Cary Elwes) is too busy cleaning his glasses and worrying about what his new editor will think of him to really notice that Adrian (Silverstone) is spending an awful lot of time following him around, and hanging on his every word. Somehow or another, she talks the dimwit into taking her to her favorite make-out spot, where she crams her tongue down his throat. Nick FINALLY gets what's going on and pushes her away. However neither he, nor Adrian really get the message. He pretends it didn't happen. And she's just plain nuts. Later, boy meets hot photographer at the office -- jilted teen carves dirty words across his freshly-painted hood. (Think Lolita meets Fatal Attraction meets "The Real World.") Things steadily get worse for idiot Nick, who somehow or another can't MOVE OUT, despite reporting for a big-time magazine. Regardless, the picture works toward a very satisfying ending. The final scene pays homage to Psycho, and begs for a sequel that's yet to happen. Someone call Alicia's hiney double and let's get Numero Two-o on the fast track. And remember, fellas, flush those condoms.

Notables: No breasts. Sunbathing. Gratuitous carrousel. Saddle sabotage. Yellow-Jacket attack. Computer crime. Cigar chewing. Fireplace-poker beating. Bitch slapping. Peeping. Teasing. Answering machine abuse. One stunt butt.

Quotables: No sooner than Adrian meets Nick she whines, "Please don't be afraid of me." But somewhere in between beaming him over the head with a poker, she growls, "I still LOVE you, Nick!" She spares no venom on Nick's girlfriend (Jennifer Rubin), "Oh, don't worry, Amy, some guy's really like girls with small breasts."

Time codes: Things start to get out of hand (21:35). Freeze-frame pervert's delight (28:33, 32:11, 33:46, 33:04). Much-o bee fu (58:35).

Audio/Video: Very robust Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack. The garden scenes are especially full of aural life. Crisp anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1) transfer.

Extras: Animated menus with theatrical score. No Crush trailer, but ones for Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Chill Factor, Diabolique, Pacific Heights, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Silent Fall, Young Guns II and True Romance. Anemic cast bios.

Final thought: A teen queen's immortal debut. Sinfully sexy, but not too fleshy. Recommended.

G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.