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Actress Apocalypse

Crash Cinema // Unrated // May 31, 2005
List Price: $24.97 [Buy now and save at Amazon]

Review by Daniel W. Kelly | posted April 1, 2005 | E-mail the Author
The Movie:
The Boobs are coming! Aaaah! Well, actually, they're just coming to audition for a horror movie (along with their other female body parts) in the indy exploitation film Actress Apocalypse, in an unrated director's cut, along with a bonus CD of the soundtrack by indy band Space Probe Taurus.

The Story:
in this mockumentary by director Richard R. Anasky, filmmaker David Lincoln III (Garo Nigoghossian) is making the ultimate epic movie: "Clearwater Canyon," in which a big Indian stalks and kills women (particularly hot naked women). And he's filming it in his shed. His boom operator, known as "The Golden Terror" (Jay ingle). was supposed to be a main actor in the movie. Unfortunately, he can't act. But he has a love of the phallic grandness of the boom mike. And he loves doing his job while wearing the gayest garb, including jockstraps and capes. Meanwhile, Lincoln's brother Vance (Greg G. Freeman), who clearly has a screw loose, has somehow ended up being in charge of auditioning the beautiful ladies for the film. His requirements to land the role aren't all that strict—it's simply a matter of dropping to your knees and pleasuring him. So the audition process begins, and everything goes horribly wrong. Vance wants to rewrite the script and make it a movie about gay zombies who eat women. The Golden Terror is all for that. It's no secret that The Golden Terror is the biggest queer to ever be in the same room as so many naked women. As they move into production, things go from bad to worse. Vance is finally pushed over the edge, and actresses start turning up dead…in what amounts to an unplanned snuff film!

This movie is mostly schlock at its best. The MAJOR lipstick lesbian shower sex scene in the first 5 minutes will make any straight boy spring a leak. There are naked women galore, stripping for the camera for long stretches to the growl of Space Probe Taurus's metal soundtrack, and impressively, these are some stunning looking chicks. Pretty faces, incredible bodies, huge boobs (right up in the camera), and quite a bit of naked camel toe. If you're into chicks, this is reason enough alone to watch the film. But, that aside, it's actually very funny at times, and I found myself laughing out loud. The funniest moments of the movie are thanks to "The Golden Terror," whose gay antics work as a perfect foil to crazy Vance's homophobic testosterone filled-fury. And if you watch the interviews, you'll learn that The Golden Terror was almost supposed to be a minor character in the film. The choppy editing (with lots of subliminal naked inserts in between) would make the MTV proud crowd (oh wait, I AM the MTV crowd…at least, the original MTV crowd). The only problem with the film is that, when it eventually takes a dark turn and the visual starts to get somewhat disturbing (but you still don't find yourself taking it seriously), it loses steam. The humor starts to become repetitive and fall flat, and the energy of the entire movie just comes down. A movie this insane, tasteless and raunchy just can't manage to sustain that level for a full hour and a half, and eventually, I went from liking the lunacy to just wishing it would end already. Unfortunate, because it left a final negative impression on what, for the most part, was a good piece of bad cinema. Hopefully, the continuing cycle of naked women can hold the attention of straight viewers longer.


As the DVD case says…Aspect—various. The footage takes on various shapes and sizes for the sake of feeling like live footage. The image is quite good considering its MADE to look like bad video camera footage. You just can't complain about image here, because the film is meant to look that way.

The 2.0 audio is another thing. The bass is excessive and needs to be turned really low. While background audio and music is somewhat clear and separated, the dialogue is really bad. It's noisy and distorted, and actually very loud, which creates a droning muffled bark much of the time, and dropout at others. I kept turning the volume up and down in an attempt to find a suitable level. I never did.

The extras here are definitely for the lovers of the nastiness:

Scene Selection—There are 12 chapter breaks, each with a thumbnail that shows clips from that chapter. Oddly, the chapter count does not register on the front of my DVD player. Don't know if that's a universal problem or not.

Trailers—this is a tempting schlock preview for a film called I Am Vengeance. Major gore and sex clips.

Deleted Scenes/Outtakes—this is a whole hour and fifteen minutes! Considering the movie itself was excessively long, you can imagine how you'll feel after watching this for a while. And the disturbing part is, anything that may be considered an outtake is hard to judge, because the "actors" never seem to act any less freaky than they do in the movie. Scary.

Behind the scenes & cast interviews—once again, I was rather frightened by the lack of difference in the way the cast acts on and off official camera rolling. But finally "The Golden Terror" Jay Ingle shows a serious side and talks to the camera about being involved in the movie, as do some of the women. About 30 minutes.

Extended shower scene—the name says it all. This is primo lesbian action for lovers of that sort of thing, and runs 4 minutes. The girls look like they are really into it, and it's not disrupted by credits or other anomalies that were in the final cut of the film.

Lincoln Brothers Pilot—this 5 minutes of footage looks like an early shoot of concepts that would become this movie.

Sexy Stripper Footage—2 full minutes of one of the girls stripping from the film. I guess it was a bit shorter in the film, or perhaps they're making it more easily accessible this way for those who want to take care of business in a hurry.

Space Probe Taurus bonus CD—a whopping 14 metal tracks by the band, used in the movie.

Final Thoughts:
Actress Apocalypse starts strong as a mockumentary/horror humor/female exploitation flick. It's funny and raunchy but it does starts to slow down half way through, and in the end leaves a bit of a bad taste in your mouth. But then again, that's what a film like this is supposed to do. I definitely think lovers of female nudity, fantasy lesbians, and twisted nastiness will appreciate it. A lot of work was put into editing this one into a cult classic.

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