I'm not gonna lie - I'm a fan of Meadow Soprano. Jamie-Lynn DiScala is perfectly cast as the dark beauty of her daddy's eye and she's grown over the years into a lovely young woman. So you'd think she'd make a decent Heidi Fleiss (despite not even remotely resembling her), right?. Not exactly - there may be a definitive Fleiss bio-pic lurking out there, but this chaste, laughably lurid potboiler ain't it. Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss paints the Hollywood madam's story in very broad strokes, skipping over the "rise" in an effort to get to the hot and heavy "fall."

Directed by Charles McDougall and written by Norman Snider, Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss charts just that - Fleiss' (DiScala) introduction into the seamy world of prostitution via the scummy, older film director Ivan Nagy (Robert Davi) and Madame Alex (Brenda Fricker). After inheriting Madame Alex's call-girl business (a chuckle-inducing early scene shows a young Fleiss organizing neighborhood babysitters like an erstwhile madam), Fleiss begins catering to some of Hollywood's biggest celebrities, only to be undone by greed and betrayal.

Mercifully, the film unspools at a rapid 84 minutes - this unrated version boasts "ultra-sexy, steamy" footage which mostly consists of bared breasts and sexless grinding between disinterested actors grunting raunchy dialogue. Remember, folks - it was a TV movie first. Speaking of bared breasts, I got my biggest laugh less than 10 minutes into the film when Fleiss first meets Madame Alex. Asked to remove her top, Fleiss grudgingly acquiesces - cut to glaringly obvious stunt rack and then, in an extremely sloppy edit, the filmmakers cut to a full body shot of the stunt double and then back to a medium close-up of DiScala buttoning her shirt. Someone please tell me why you'd make a film with someone who went on record as saying she "didn't identify with Fleiss" and reportedly broke down in tears when shooting the fully clothed sex scenes? It's this insanely funny attempt by the filmmakers to con viewers into believing DiScala disrobes, but those looking to check out a nude Meadow Soprano slumming will have to search elsewhere.

Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss is unintentionally amusing for much of its run time and the absurd lengths the filmmakers go to in order to convince audiences that they're watching some smoking hot soft-core bio-pic. Die-hard biographical drama fans might find something worth sitting through here, but the film would appear to be a better drinking game than anything else.

The Video:

Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss is offered in a sharp-looking 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer (the flip side of the disc has a 1.33:1 full-screen transfer). Slick, crisp and free of defects, it's not nearly reference quality but you won't have any complaints, either.

Surprisingly (for a TV movie), Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss is offered here in Dolby Digital 5.1 - all those faked moans and that cheesy made-for-television score come through just fine. There's no distortion or dropout and the mix sounds robust, despite a noticeable lack of surround activity.

No bonus material is included - you'd think news footage of Fleiss, a filmmaker commentary or maybe some words from Fleiss herself would merit inclusion, but no such luck.

Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss stops short of being a full-on disaster, thanks mostly to a high camp value - DiScala's refusal to give in to the obvious carnality the filmmakers are aiming for undermines the film from its opening scenes. Maybe the Jamie-Lynn DiScala fan club will enjoy, but everyone else can skip this one.