Why is a British TV movie from 1985 being released now? I'll give you a hint: Colin Firth gets second billing in the movie, but he gets first billing on the DVD case!

Yes, "Dutch Girls" is an attempt to cash in, however minutely, on the fame of Colin Firth, who appeared very early in his career in this "Porky's" rip-off. It was written by William Boyd and directed by Giles Foster, both of whom have several credits in the realm of British television, some of which are surely more distinguished than this one.

For you see, this sex comedy about a Scottish boys' school field hockey team traveling to Amsterdam for a tournament, and their attempts to find adventure in the big city, delivers neither sex nor comedy. It has enough profanity and vulgarity to warrant an R rating, yet no sex or even nudity. (Exception: One brief glimpse of a locker room shower ... where we see a naked man.)

What is the point of a sex comedy that has no sex in it?

It's not funny, either, which is actually its chief liability. Firth plays the boy who is somewhat less libidinous than the others, and who meets a Dutch girl he actually LIKES. Meanwhile, in the subplots, two boys go in search of a prostitute, while another (played by Timothy Spall) takes on the John Belushi "Animal House" role of sloppy comic relief. This consists mostly of him eating like a pig and being oblivious of polite manners.

There are a few chuckles in John Wells' performance as the headmaster, though. He acts as chaperone for the trip and has the unenviable task of keeping the randy boys in line, yielding a few laughs as he becomes increasingly exasperated.

But again. No sex, no nudity, no real laughs, no point in watching it, unless you want to see what Colin Firth looked like 20 years ago.

THE DVD

VIDEO: Presented in its original full-frame format, the way it was shot, the film looks exactly like what it is: a made-for-TV movie from the mid-80s. The DVD transfer is grainy and shoddy, though in fairness, they probably did the best with what they had to work with.

AUDIO: Average-quality mono. Meh.

EXTRAS: None. Not even subtitles.

IN SUMMARY

We all have to start somewhere, and Colin Firth started here. Do him a favor, though, and don't watch this movie. I'm sure he's embarrassed by it.