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I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
Joining all of the Police Academy sequels and the entire collected works of Uwe Boll within the "Why the hell was this even made?" category of films, the years-late and talent-deficient I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer exists as nothing more than a testament to greed. This was not a horror film created to excite, challenge, or thrill you; it's a 12th-generation knock-off that leeches off a flaccid little concept that was already withered and whiskered the first and second time around.
This one's just as awful, but the budget's evidently a whole lot lower. On the plus side, it doesn't have Jennifer Love Hewitt in the lead role, so there's something positive I can say.
The setting is a snoozy little Colorado ski town, only it's summertime and the teenagers are bored. In an effort to spice up their meaningless lives, the "cool kids" stage a serial killer attack, only to see the prank end in death. Morons. So (all together now) the selfish jerks all agree to never speak of their stupid scheme ever again. Flash forward to one year later, and it seems that somebody knows all about, well, what the jerks did last summer.
Not so much outrageously awful as it is deadly dry and dishwater dull, this second sequel is as a stunningly superfluous piece of cinema. The direction by Sylvain White (Trois Part 3) is tripod-steady and stutterifically edited. The dialogue (provided by the man who gave you Octopus 2: River of Death) is c-grade teen clique babble. The cast of unknowns seem to be hurrying through the proceedings, simply grateful to get a gig in a Sony-backed film -- even if it is a rather unwatchable piece of sequelized and homogenized horror.
Basically, the moronically-titled I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer is entirely worthy of the dismissive derision that you felt when you first read the title. "They made another sequel to THAT lame-ass movie?" is what you thought. I guarantee it. And although I popped the disc in hoping to find just a few stray pieces of horror-fan entertainment, I just knew it was a fool's errand. Either way, it's just as rotten as its predecessors, which means we just might have a candidate for the single worst horror franchise ever created.
Video: The anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1) transfer is suitably clean and clear, although White's murky directing doesn't help matters all that much.
Audio: Dolby Digital 5.1 English or DD 2.0 French. The aural delivery is perfectly adequate, although there's not much in the flick that's worth hearing.
Extras: Director Sylvain White provides an audio commentary that should work as a dandy sleeping pill for those who suffer from insomnia and a crippling addiction to bad horror films. He spent the first several minutes of the chat-track describing everything he saw onscreen, and I felt no reason to think he'd stop. So I gave up. Also included is the on-set piece of mind-numbing featurette called The Making of I'll Always Know Et Cetera (26:39), which is pretty mercilessly vapid. Rounding out the platter is a collection of Sony trailers.
Imagine the Final Destination movies without the creative kills or, better yet, a very old and stupid campfire story told three times in a row. Either way, this thing's a witless, worthless, and entirely scare-free piece of callow corporate product. Even if you somehow liked the first two flicks, and I'm not casting judgment on anyone, this lazy latecomer is an absolute turkey. Skip It.