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I, Vampire: Trilogy of Blood
I knew there was something familiar about this ridiculous little I, Vampire DVD. Although I was certain I'd never seen the anthology before, the first story felt like... wait, it's just a bunch of scenes from one of the Subspecies movies! What gives?? So I did a little research, and thanks to the fine insights offered at the illustrious DVDVerdict.com, I was able to figure out what the hell was going on with I, Vampire: Trilogy of Blood: It's nothing more than a sloppy collection of clips from Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm, Vampire Resurrection and The Vampire Journals. So if you're a ravenous schlock-hound who somehow happens to own all those movies, only to purchase a copy of I, Vampire: Trilogy of Blood, well, I bet you'd be pretty pissed about it.
For what it's worth (which ain't much, considering we're talking about 30-minute versions of movies that sucked when they were feature-length), here's what the mini-movies consist of:
Spawn of Hell is about an evil vampire who feasts on necks while dangling the promise of "the bloodstone" in front of a very devious priest. Or maybe he was a doctor.
From the Grave is about a not-so-evil vampire who rediscovers a long lost love and must contend with her violent ex-husband and her snooping ol' auntie. Imagine a really bad Lifetime movie mixed with a really bad vampire movie.
Undead Evil is about a piano-loving vampire who woos and seduces a (very) sexy young musician as a whiny hero muddles through the background. This story is particularly choppy, and the story wouldn't be interesting even if told in flawless fashion.
So what else can I add? I, Vampire is a collection of semi-random scenes culled from three fairly rotten vampire movies. The project doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, frankly, because I can't see the I, Vampire DVDs flying off the shelves anytime soon. But I guess it's easier to recycle and re-package the schlock than it is to produce fresh piles of it.
Either way, don't get burned. Even if you happen to like the three movies that were cannibalized here, I doubt pretty highly that you'd enjoy these miniature versions.
Video: A fairly colorful fullscreen transfer. Nothing that could salvage this mess though.
Audio: Tinny and uninspired 2.0 all the way.
Extras: Trailers for a few more recycled trilogies. Yuck.
Even if I hadn't learned the truth about this anthology, the thing's a huge screaming bore all the way. There's some half-decent gore delivered in a few small doses, but there's nothing here that could be mistaken for "good storytelling." Not even close.