Okay, so I like an occasional Danielle Steel made-for-TV movie - you want to make something out of it? I still like shows like Men Behaving Badly and Gunsmoke and Magnum, P.I. and James Bond and Daniel Boone and weirdo German westerns and Sonny Chiba action flicks and Simon and Simon and (okay, enough shameless self-promotion). I'm secure with who I am. So I'll tell you why I like these Steel movies - because it gives me a chance to put my hair up, and soak away the cares of the day in a hot tub, after which I put on my prettiest under...(my wife is reading this over my shoulder and cracking up, so I'll stop). Actually, I like these decidedly "women only" pictures for one reason: they're fearless. They're not afraid to be exactly what they are: romantic contrivances that combine age-old cliches, set down in lavish settings, and played by attractive performers. And they move, man. The lean, mean films in the Danielle Steel: 2 DVD Collection cram more plot into their 90 minutes than any three other films combined. Let's be clear, though, lest you think I go on too much: this isn't art; it's pap. But it's entertaining, well-crafted pap -- pure and simple. And that counts for something. So when I zone out in front of the TV (it doesn't always have to be Criterion collections and foreign drivel, does it?), I want something that flies just above the radar, like a pilot-less drone, to keep my interest until the inevitable passing out on the couch. So...let's dive in, girls!

DISC ONE:

PALOMINO (1991)

Naturally, she encounters a ticked-off cowboy who resents her city-fied ways and her peeping camera. Tate Jordan (Lee Horsley) is some kind of cowboy: sensitive, caring, handsome -- and he willingly takes bubble baths (calm down, ladies). And the fact that they rub each other the wrong way only confirms what we already know: they're meant to be together. Meanwhile, back at the bunk house, Caroline is having an twenty-odd year affair with her ranch foreman, Bill (Rod Taylor), who won't marry her because it ain't fittin' for a stumble-bum cowpoke like himself, without a nickel in his jeans, to marry such a fine lady (uh, as the foreman of one of the richest ranches in California, he doesn't have any money?). Tragically, Sam and Tate look as if they're going to repeat the same mistakes that Caroline and Bill have made for so many years, and when the pressure gets too much, Tate up and leaves. Sam - angry, proud and beautiful - leaves the ranch, but returns when Bill suffers a fatal heart attack. Unfortunately, Sam also has a terrible accident, and is paralyzed from the waist down (I'm not kidding). Caroline, sick with grief over Bill's death, dies as well, and leaves the ranch to Sam. Will Sam and Tate work out their problems?

Beautifully photographed, with sunny California exteriors, and a sweeping score by Dominic Frontiere, Palomino is probably the best of the made-for-TV lot here in the Danielle Steel: 2 DVD Collection. While hardly subtle, there is an attempt to tell a story with some weight and emotion, and it's capably acted by the excellent cast. Pros Saint and Taylor (two Hitchcock leads!) effortlessly steal the film with their top-notch thesping, and Frost and Horsley (Matt Houston!) are an attractive couple to watch fall in love. Sure, there's some dopey elements that are deliberately thrown up as arbitrary obstacles, but that's the form here. To make it impossible for Sam and Tate to get together, class concerns must pop up, so Tate's apparently a pauper like Bill. (Tate says he's broke, and couldn't buy Sam so much as a beer if he wanted to -- what do they pay these cowpokes with - jerky?). But then we find out he's helped buy his son a ranch (Tate's divorced). As well, some of the lines are hopelessly funny ("It's easier to say, 'I want to make love to you,' than, 'I love you.'"), but all in all, Palomino is a fairly decent time waster.

SECRETS (1992)

Welcome to the dark, seductive world of nighttime soap operas. Mel Wexler (Christopher Plummer), Hollywood producer (he's always on the phone) wants to mount a nighttime soap opera set in that fabulous, glamorous Manhattan (obviously, nobody told Mel that those kinds of soaps were passe by 1992). Naturally, before the studio agrees to greenlight all that money, they want to insure that their investment is covered, so the project is "no go" until Mel signs...Gary Collins and Stephanie Beacham (hee hee!). Zack Taylor (Collins), one of TV's most bankable stars, has a dirty secret: he spent the night with an underaged girl, and now he's being blackmailed by the girl and her mother (hilariously played by O-Lan Jones, the waitress in the Seinfeld Bubble Boy episode). Sabina Quarles (Beacham) also has a dirty secret: she's almost broke, and she has someone in San Francisco whom she secretly meets, which causes friction with Mel (who takes up with Sabina the minute she signs on to the soap).

Rounding out the Manhattan cast is Linda Purl as Jane Adams, a former actress who's returning to work after two years. Adams has a dirty secret: she's in an abusive sexual relationship with her crazy husband, Dan (John Bennett Perry - again with the shooting noises from my wife). Young stud Bill Warwick (Ben Browder) has a dirty secret: his wife (being married presents problems when the studio wants to promote him as a sex symbol) Alexa (Nicole Eggert), is a freaking junkie who's causing no end of trouble for the sensitive, hunky Bill. Bill's co-star, posh New England Gaby Smith (Josie Bissett) has a dirty secret (are you sensing a dirty pattern here?): she's a poor little rich girl, which the hard-working Bill resents. Once the cameras roll in New York, everybody pairs off and hits the sheets. But back in L.A., when Bill's junkie wife gets tagged, Bill's up on murder charges - right when Manhattan becomes a prime-time sensation.

Secrets sports a pretty decent cast acting out a drama-packed, silly, phoney Hollywood tell-naught story. Plummer clearly has the acting chops to know when to downplay, which he admirably does here. Despite my little dig above, Beacham and Collins are just fine here, and Linda Purl, as always, is excellent. Always on the verge of bigger things, Purl (for whatever reasons) never really crossed over, but she's worked steadily, and in Hollywood, that can be even more important than hitting it big. As with all of the Danielle Steel adaptations, gloss is king, and Secrets has a dark, burnished look to it that eases over some of the more unfortunate scenes (Plummer's ridiculous plea on behalf of actors on the witness stand). Cruise this one at 1:00 in the morning, and trust me, it will not harsh your Bud Light buzz.

DISC TWO:

STAR (1993)

Set in the late 1960s and early-to-mid 1970s, Star tells the story of preternaturally sweet, almost-heavenly Crystal (Jennie Garth), a down-home farm girl who loves her Daddy, and can't understand why her Mom hates her. Seeing rich, Kennedyesque Spencer Hill (Craig Bierko) at her sister's wedding, she falls instantly in love. Spencer seeing Crystal, instantly confirms that she's in love with him, as he, apparently is with himself. Promising to love her forever, he gives her a crystal charm, and heads off to New York to emulate his hero, Robert Kennedy (we won't even go there). Unfortunately for Crystal, she loses her beloved father, and things go horribly wrong at home. She's raped by her brother-in-law, and her mother blames her for the attack. She leaves home, and goes to San Francisco, where she's taken in by a kindly waitress Pearl (Roxanne Reese), who gets Crystal a singing job at the club. As if by magic, Crystal quickly becomes the Next Big Thing.

Meanwhile, back in New York, Spencer promptly forgets about Crystal and takes up with sexy, totally-devoid-of-feeling Elizabeth (Terry Farrell), who explains their arrangement in terms only a CPA could love. Recognizing that Elizabeth can push him into areas he could never reach on his own (relax), Spencer agrees to a merger. Naturally, Liz takes everybody to Frisco to see the other part of her family, and bingo! - Spencer sees Crystal. It's love all over again, and he promises again not to leave her. A week later, Crystal sees in the paper that Spencer has married Liz. Moving on with her own dysfunctional relationship with crazy promoter Ernie (Ted Wass), Crystal meets up with Spencer again, who's on his way to save millions of Chinese who were caught in an earthquake. Unfortunately for them, Spencer finds a couple of days to canoodle with Crystal, promising his love yet again (more shooting sounds from the peanut gallery), whereby he leaves for two years to China. Seriously. Will these two star-crossed kids get their acts together, and manage to stay in each other's company for more than two days running?

Clearly the worst of the lot here on the Danielle Steel: 2 DVD Collection (which makes it oh so good), Star suffers from an insufferable performance by smug Bierko, and an addle-patted performance by Garth (who plays Crystal as if all the bones in her head hadn't meshed). Farrell tries, but early on, she checks out and quickly impersonates an adding machine in a dress. Even the always good Mitchell Ryan as Farrell's father can't come up with anything interesting here. Taking romantic coincidence to agonizing extremes, the lovers part too many times for the story to have any semblance of reality, while the Spencer character remains largely unsympathetic. Star looks good, but it sounds stupid.

THE PROMISE (1979)

The oddball of the lot here in the Danielle Steel: 2 DVD Collection, The Promise was actually a theatrical release from 1979, starring Kathleen Quinlan and Stephen Collins. And believe it or not, when I was a kid, I was dragged into a theater with my Mom and Grandmother to see it (God, don't ask. Please.). So, after the initial, terrifying memories of that afternoon subsided (here's a hint: my Gammy brought Werther's Originals -- the hard ones), I settled down for this tearjerker extraordinaire.

The story is exceedingly simple(minded). Michael Hillyard (Collins) is an architect who likes "the rules," and he's in love with Nancy (Quinlan), a talented painter and "freespirit" with unusually large buck teeth (more about that later). When he asks her to marry him, they make "a promise" on a cliff, burying a necklace under a rock, and pledging their undying, in-no-way-sanctified-by-any-formal-ceremony, love. After meeting with his money and power obsessed mother, Marion (Beatrice Straight), Michael realizes that she will never accept Nancy as a suitable suitor, so he promptly goes off to collect her, in the hopes of eloping. But tragically, Michael and Nancy, and his best man Ben (Michael O'Hare), are struck by a truck on their way to the church. Michael is seriously injured, but Nancy's face is horribly disfigured. Marion, smelling blood in the water, immediately goes to Nancy and offers to fix her face - but only if she gives up Michael, who, Marion rather illogically argues, is already lost to Nancy. She agrees, and Nancy is spirited away to California, to Dr. Gregson (Laurence Luckinbill) who will reconstruct her face. Meanwhile, Michael is told by his mother that Nancy died -- a lie that Nancy is unaware of (Marion told Nancy that she would tell Michael over and over again how disfigured she was).

Naturally, forces conspire to reunite the lovers - again, rather illogically by the efforts of Ben to find suitable artwork for Michael's new office building. Not recognizing "Marie Adamson" (a weird amalgamation of his mother's name, and "Adam's son," or more accurately, "Eve"), Michael fights beyond all reason to get this photographer (the doc turned her on to photography - among other things), to work with him. Finally, he understands what even Mr. Magoo could have figured out: Marie is Nancy. Will Nancy give up Dr. Gregson for Michael?

Directed by the gifted Gilbert Cates (I Never Sang For My Father, Summer Wishes, Winter Dreams, To All My Friends On Shore), The Promise is an utter mess (to be fair, it does have the look of some post-production tampering), with tone and tempo all over the place. But strangely, the movie does have a weird kind of pull to its scenes; it's single-minded, almost sepulchrial pacing is oddly hypnotic. Aided by a sensationally off-putting performance by Straight as the mother-in-law from Hell (the pan-and-scan only emphasizes those large, enormous, frightening eyes), The Promise is spectacularly unrealistic, from those ridiculous fake teeth they give Quinlan at the beginning (she looks like she could break off a tree branch), to the wildly improbably ending. Collins is appropriately dense, but Luckinbill looks like the victim of some severe editing, as his vaguely unethical doctor character pops up mysteriously, looking important, but ultimately, signifying nothing. Quinlan has that strange look in her eyes that we've seen before in her films (the equivalent of a 'Nam vet's "thousand-yard stare"), and her early scenes, particularly the "promise" scene, is hysterically overdone. But somehow, it all fits in this creepy little film. It's a shame that it's in pan-and-scan.

The DVD:

The Video:
Surprisingly, most of the films looks fairly decent here on the Danielle Steel: 2 DVD Collection. All the films are full frame, but the originally widescreen The Promise has been cropped for this DVD transfer; hence, the grainy, blasted-out look of the orangish print.

The Audio:
The Dolby Digital English 2.0 stereo mix for the Danielle Steel: 2 DVD Collection is more than adequate for these types of films. There are close-captioning options for all four films.

The Extras:
There are no extras for the Danielle Steel: 2 DVD Collection.

Final Thoughts:
Listen, if you're in the mood for a good cry, and you want to spend some time in your flannel jammies, with your hair up in curlers, and a box of Kleenex at hand, then I suggest you rent The Films of Kenneth Anger (just kidding). But if you're in the mood for some fast-moving junk that gives you eight movies' worth of plot, a ton of hysterical emoting, some ridiculous plot coincidences, and Gary Collins, I recommend the four films in the Danielle Steel: 2 DVD Collection. And that goes for the ladies out there, too.