Cursed, indeed. Lionsgate has released Curse of Alcatraz, a bottom-of-the-barrel horror effort that supposedly is the last film to shoot on the actual Alcatraz prison grounds (um...who cares, if it's even true). Lifting numerous elements from far better films, Curse of Alcatraz takes forever to get going, and when it finally arrives with the "suspense" and gore, it wasn't worth waiting for in the first place.

Evidently, some funny stuff had been going on for decades at Alcatraz that nobody talked about. Inmates got sick and went insane, killing guards and each other. When workers break down a walled-off cell, and discover the mummified remains of a Native American warrior, the local SFPD C.S.I. investigator Lana Campbell (Sara Jane Nash) calls in college professor of anthropology Dr. Michael Hauser (Joe Jones), after she determines the body is "historical," and not part of a crime scene. Hauser arrives on the island with a group of students who will help him exhume the body, including Alissa (Jessie Camacho), his smoking-hot Native American assistant; Tiffany (Candise Lakota), the scared girl; Andrew (Jose Solano), the scared guy in the wheelchair; and Kurt (Alex Quinn), the dufus who wants to get high and hit on the girls.

Naturally, there has to be a little conflict on the island, and that comes in the form of some creepy Park Rangers (Alcatraz is a National Park) who aren't exactly happy to see these junior archeologists from Mystery, Inc. screwing up their routine. Ranger Tyler (Jeremy Gilchrist) likes to peep at the girls, and Ranger Carlos (Mario Montes) likes to tell spooky stories about all the deaths and dismemberments that have occurred on Alcatraz. But worst of all is Ranger Vince (William Van Nolan), who accidentally cut himself on the Indian mummy, and is now infected with what Alissa describes as a "curse."

Evidently, back in the mid-1800's, some members of the Chappa tribe came down with a mystery illness that caused them to become psychotic. Turned loosed by their elders on other invading tribes, these Otakay warriors were then interned on Alcatraz Island, where the "curse" obviously continued. Now, the college students and rangers, trapped on the island because the regular ferry has "mechanical problems" (and evidently, it's the only boat in 'Frisco Bay) must battle each other to survive.

Borrowing elements from god knows how many other, better horror films, Curse of Alcatraz's biggest crime is the fact that it takes over an hour to really start trying to scare you - and then it's not scary. Exploitation films of old at least moved. If you didn't have the filmmaking skills to create genuine suspense, Sam Arkoff or Roger Corman cut your film to maximize the sex and thrills. After all, that's what the viewer wants in this kind of film. But Curse of Alcatraz tries to set a mood it can't sustain (or frankly, even initiate), and blows an hour of film time trying to convince the viewer otherwise. But other than a few nicely composed shots of Alcatraz captured off the ferry at the beginning of the film, director Daniel Zirilli can't manage even the simplest action sequence (nor even well-blocked dialogue scenes, for that matter). The opening sequence, set in 1961, supposedly shows an attack on a guard by one of the ill inmates. However, it's so ineptly staged (with halting blocking and dim-at-best lighting), that the results are laugh-inducing, and certainly not terrifying.

And where's the fun in Curse of Alcatraz? This isn't Proust, after all, so why the dreary, solemn, heavy tone to the piece? The director, given stock conventions such as two characters breaking off from the group to get high (and maybe have sex), can't even get a rise out of the audience with those no-brainers; it's just another in a series of totally joyless, hackneyed scenes. The faintest sense of lightness or romp - essential to leaven the terror - is missing from Curse of Alcatraz (oh wait - the terror is missing, too - never mind). Most of the violence in Curse of Alcatraz occurs off-screen (in a misguided attempt to create suspense) until the final twenty minutes or so, when the gore is sparingly thrown around. And it's pretty tame gore, at that, if that's what you're looking for here. I thought I was going to enjoy someone's head repeated squished in a jailcell door, but the director even fudged that (check out the unconvincing prosthetic in freeze-frame - better yet; don't bother). So Curse of Alcatraz isn't suspenseful, it isn't funny, it isn't scary, and it isn't gory. It is, however, quite dull.

The DVD:

The Video:
The non-anamorphic, 1.85:1 letterboxed video image for Curse of Alcatraz is adequate, but it's a generally dark and undistinguished looking film. I did notice some compression problems at times, and a failure for blacks to hold in some of night sequences.

The Audio:
The Dolby Digital English 5.1 audio mix is quite nice, particularly when it highlights Curse of Alcatraz's only plus factor: the full-bodied score by Nick Rivera. English and Spanish subtitles are available, as well as English close-captions.

The Extras:
A few marginal (and at times, inexplicable) extras are included in the Curse of Alcatraz DVD. First, there's a director and writer commentary track included (I remain unconvinced), as well as a couple of shaky hand-held video featurettes called Pitch Black: A Night on Alcatraz (where someone keeps asking, "Are you afraid?" to the actors and crew - watch all of them look at the guy like he's crazy), and In First Person: Cast and Crew (still trying to figure out this one).

Final Thoughts:
At one point in Curse of Alcatraz, Ranger Vince yells at a potential victim, "You're in a prison!" Amen, Ranger Vince, amen. There's no escaping the fact that Curse of Alcatraz fails on almost every level it tries to achieve: no thrills, no laughs, no sex, and no convincing gore. So stick a shiv in it; Curse of Alcatraz is done. Skip it.