THE FILM

Just how am I supposed to review a film like "Bratz?" Clearly, I'm not in the target demo, and, to be completely honest, I hold a personal belief that the toy line this film is based on is a vicious, destructive assault on the paper-thin psyche of adolescent girls, making Barbie look like Gloria Steinem's life coach by comparison. But that's me, and I feel "Bratz" the feature film is a momentous waste of time, money, and film stock.

There's really no plot to describe in "Bratz," just a scene after scene of teen girls spazzing out in front of a camera, with director Sean McNamara (a true filmmaking hack with a long history of repellent pre-teen entertainment) offering little in the way of fundamental dramatic construction. It's a movie built for short attention spans, glitzed up with enough teen girl catnip to make one want to rise up and torch the nearest Club Libby Lu out of protest to this generation of media-obsessed, cell-phone-mutated, shrieking young ladies.

Confronted with characters labeled Yasmin, Sasha, Jade, Cloe (played by actresses named Nathalia, Janel, Logan, and Skyler), it should be apparent from the starter pistol that "Bratz" is here to grate on the nerves of anyone not accustomed to makeover parties and webcam fashion conferences. To the very temple-tightening degree that this film annoys is something of a shock: "Bratz" is relentless in its effort to shove this superficial world down the viewer's throat, blaring tuneless pop music, staging stupefying slapstick (there's even a food fight), and producing endless scenes of programmed BFF bonding to breathe some life into the Bratz world; to take something plastic and lifeless and make it even more plastic and lifeless.

"Bratz" is a lazy cash-in production, no doubt, and the pain is doubled by the way the picture insists on countless plugs for life-altering gifts to world culture such as MySpace and MTV's demonic "My Super Sweet 16" program. Of course, the malarkey is served with a heaping side order of transparent screenwriting, which tries to will away the toxic fumes of the "Bratz" empire by front-loading the story with messages on self-expression and selflessness. You see, when these barely legal billboards walk down the street in short skirts and porn star makeup, they're just expressing their creativity and livin' life to the fullest. Holla!

THE DVD

Visual:

With a color palette that's described by director McNamara as a "bowlful of M&Ms," the anamorphic widescreen presentation (2.35:1 aspect ratio) is an expected burst of energy, keeping colors stable and the picture nicely detailed. If only the film was worth sitting through.

Audio:

The 5.1 Dolby Digital mix is technically pleasant, pushing hard on the musical numbers and pop soundtrack cuts without overwhelming the dialogue. It's a good clean track but, again, in service of pure evil.

Extras:

A feature-length audio commentary with director Sean McNamara is so frightfully clueless and self-absorbed, it's almost worth a listen to hear this man try to pass off "Bratz" as a creation of sizable merit. McNamara is enthusiastic recalling production stories, where the short shooting schedule forced him to "challenge" his young actresses with pages of dialogue and dance choreography conjured up at the last minute. He seems especially impressed with Chelsea Staub's turn in the film as the Bratz nemesis, gushing about her talents as though he cast Meryl Streep in the role. McNamara is clearly insane, and it's a treat to have an audio document of his madness for future legal proceedings.

Deleted scenes (9 minutes) only add bits of nonsense to the film: beefing up Staub's role (if McNamara loved her so much, why did he chop the part down?), tearing off on a Steve Irwin-style tangent with high school cliques, and giving producer/used car salesman Avi Arad a creepy cameo as a talent show judge.

Music videos for Daechelle's "Fearless" (4 minutes) and "Bratz" star Janel Parrish's "Rainy Day (3 minutes) are included. Janel's video wins if only because she has to play a white piano with a massive "Bratz" logo painted on it and manages to keep a straight face.

"Discovering 'Bratz'" (12 minutes) is made up of three featurettes that investigate the arduous casting process of the film, interviewing cast and crew about the experience of putting the "Bratz" movie together. My favorite quote comes from toy overlord Isaac Larian, who says the film "is about friendship, promoting diversity, and the acceptance of the people who are around you." If you can find these thematic touches in the film, please let me know.

Also of note: McNamara goes off again on Staub and how "wonderful she is." Good lord, we get it already. If the actress was that fantastic, why did she agree to be in this film?

"A Passion for Fashion" (14 minutes) offers another three featurettes, this time zeroing in on the stylistic choices of the film's wardrobe, make-up, and hair. Again, cast and crew are interviewed, questioned about their fashion sense and how the "Bratz" was like "the best thing ever" to happen to their careers.

"The Music of 'Bratz'" (7 minutes) discusses the "Bratitude" of the picture, intermixed with behind-the-scenes footage of the actresses rehearsing their moves and...well, "Bratitude." For assured laughs, listen to choreographer Kishaya Dudley describe "Bratz" as "very urban."

"Behind-the-Scenes" (7 minutes) digs into the messy making of mid-movie food fight, the opulent "Super Sweet 16" birthday party, and how the production "comically" worked around the demands of the canine actor of the film.

The infamous theatrical trailer of the film is not included on the DVD.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Will an impressionable girl get a kick out of "Bratz?" Sure. With a parade of pretty boys, revenge scenarios unleashed on vile high school rivals, numerous dance numbers, and Jon Voight (as the stern principal) further flushing his career down the toilet, what kid wouldn't want to see this? The eternal question is: should they? Tween girls already have enough noise shoved their way on a daily basis, why offer them this inexcusable piece of bottom-feeding garbage to compound their troubles?