To be honest, there are only two things that are important in Carnivorous, a horrid Z-grade concoction that has recently seen the home video light of day thanks to North American Motion Pictures. One, rapper DMX is in it. The cover art makes a big deal about his involvement - though he's hardly the star of the film. Two, a giant, poorly-animated, voodoo-fueled snake with an alligator's head is the cause of all the mayhem in this movie. And while Carnivorous is trashy to the nth degree, it does deliver on both counts, and fans of schlock should take note (and everyone else should just watch something - anything - else).

So, here's the story in a nutshell. One day, an obnoxious bunch of white college-aged people decide to drive to the middle of nowhere in Louisiana for some fun. We're talking really obnoxious, giving the foul-mouthed cast of last year's direct-to-video turkey The Evil Woods a run for their money. Distracted by all the goings-on in their SUV, no one notices that they've run over and killed kind, flower-planting Becky (Lisa Arnold) in front of her home. No one, that is, except Alan (Louis Herthum), Becky's husband. In a flashback at the start of the film, we learn that a young Alan, somehow through voodoo, was able to bring to life a drawing of a giant snake with an alligator's head that promptly killed his abusive father. Apparently, Alan, in a vengeful mood, decides the same trick should work again, and so he draws our annoying gang's SUV being eaten by said monster. And what do you know? The shoddy CG-monstrosity reappears and starts killing them off one by one.

In the meantime, a guy named Nick (DMX), who looks and talks just like DMX, shows up periodically, scowls, and brandishes various weapons like a knife or a machete. At the end of the movie, he helps out surviving nice couple Kelly (Wes Brown) and Sam (Lauren Fain) by explaining to them the plot of the movie and attacking the creature with a bazooka.

And yes, this is derivative of just about every single Sci-Fi Channel giant whatever-killer-animal-of-the-week movie ever made with a heavy dash of Pumpkinhead to boot. And yes, it's every bit as bad as you would imagine it would be - arguably even worse.

However, Carnivorous somehow worked for me. It's like one of those old Ed Wood productions from the 1950's: awful and yet strangely appealing. With a running length of 81 minutes, it doesn't overstay its welcome; in fact, it's not even that long, as the end credits scroll on and on and on at the end, eating up a fair-sized chunk of the movie. Speaking of which, even the music peters out halfway through the credits, leaving the movie to thank just about everyone who ever lived or worked in Louisiana (where the film was made) in silence. The point being, this is a short and efficient little film.

And it's funny . . . in that unintentional Mystery Science Theater 3000 sort of way. I laughed several times, especially in the second half of the movie. This is one of those rare bad movies that actually functions well for riffing. I credit the screenwriters (Evan Scott and an army of others, who get named in the endless end credits) for that at least. This horrible screenplay even had a script supervisor! Imagine that. In any case, the plot may be absurd but the dialogue is even worse. Poor Lauren Fain as Sam, for instance, somehow delivers the following lines with righteous anger without laughing. Sam confronts Alan, and in a moment of anger, says "I'm sorry about your wife, but that was an accident. You drew us to death. That sucks." "And you suck," she adds a moment later, with venom. Yes, Shakespearean dialogue like this graces the movie throughout.

If you're still reading this review, you probably have a good sense of whether or not you're at all interested. It's really bad - and I wouldn't recommend it to most people. But, for the fan of the ultra-low grade bargain basement horror movie, this one delivers some amusement. Rent it, if you're curious.

The DVD

Video:

North American Motion Pictures gives Carnivorous a 16x9 anamorphic widescreen presentation. Colors seemed fine, but details were soft with a lot of video noise.

Sound:

Two English-language tracks grace Carnivorous: Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound and Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo Audio. The former seems to be the default, and thus the track I listened to. It sounded a bit weak, and I found myself turning the volume up more than normal. However, the mix otherwise presented dialogue, score, and sound effects efficiently, if not particularly dynamically.

No subtitle options appeared available.

Extras:

Trailers precede the main menu for Dark Reel, Baseline Killer, Ghost Month, and Carnivorous itself. These trailers don't seem accessible via the menu system, however.

The only other extra is a stills gallery with a dozen or so shots from the film, heavily emphasizing DMX and the bazooka he's armed with.

Final Thoughts:

I'm going to level with you - Carnivorous is a really, really bad movie. However, if you're interested in seeing bazooka-armed rapper DMX help some annoying white college-aged students battle a poorly-animated voodoo-fueled giant snake with an alligator's head . . . well . . . this is the movie for you. Perfect for a Mystery Science Theater 3000 riff-a-thon at home. Rent it, if you're curious.

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