Seduction Cinema keeps churning out the lesbian softcore-porn parodies and jokefests—and not really getting any better at it. In fact, they're getting worse. As much as I admire the studio's dedication to the natural artistry and beauty of girl-on-girl action, Seduction Cinema is in a serious creative rut. Each new film treads the same ground, grinding through repetitive, appallingly uninteresting lesbian-sex; offering juvenile and amateur writing, acting, and directing; and providing a shot-on-video image that is grossly stark and difficult to watch.

The deceivingly titled My Vampire Lover is the story of Monique (Paige Richards), a modern-day vampire who moves to a quiet suburb in search of the ideal female partner. She begins a series of sexual encounters with a female neighbor, a local politician, a local Catholic high-school girl, and a local female plumber. A jaw-droppingly inane side story finds a retarded cable-TV installer discovering her secret.

It pains me to say that My Vampire Lover sinks to new depths of incompetence. This film seems somehow proud of its deeply amateur nature. Stillframes are used as establishing shots; heavyset white-guy fanboys are used as key actors; most scenes seem to have been shot with just one lousy take; the soundtrack segues inelegantly from one piece of muzak to the next, with all the subtlety of a sub-rate porn soundtrack; scenes are slapped together with no regard to narrative flow; sexual innuendo is obvious and cringingly unfunny; vampire bites produce neither blood not puncture marks; the exterior of the vampire's suburban house appears to be the entrance to an industrial building; and the climactic battle scene is the flattest, most ridiculous piece of amateur bumbling you will see in your entire life.

Of course, you can't deny the natural appeal of lesbian sex. A couple of these scenes are fairly erotic, I suppose. Misty Mundae, looking nice and innocent as a Catholic high school girl seeking donations, has an entertaining romp with Monique, diving into the proceedings with a breathy, "Forgive me, Father, for I'm about to sin and be a very naughty little girl." Darian Caine plays an unlikely plumber, complete with ass-crack hanging out her jeans, and proceeds to get it on with Monique on the kitchen floor. Not a bad scene, thanks to some rather energetic grinding.

In the end, though, it's hard to get past the fact that all the lesbian sex scenes follow the same pattern and become rather boring in their softcore artificiality. All the moans begin to sound the same, and all the cunnilingus is so fake that the girl going down seems to be eating out the cunniling-ee's navel. As much naked lesbian writhing that this film boasts, I was fast-forwarding through the later encounters.

Are my expectations too high? I don't think so. I simply expect to be aroused by lesbian sex. Most aspects of this production, however, hampered the inherent splendor of all those female fondlings.

Seduction Cinema presents My Vampire Lover in an unimpressive transfer of the film's straight-to-video 1.33:1 aspect ratio. Digital artifacts and aliasing abound, and detail obviously suffers. This shot-on-video presentation looks particularly harsh, and colors are flat—not exactly in service of a film that shows so much skin. Freckles look like chicken-pox scars, shadowed legs looked burned or hairy, and bra-strap indentations look three inches deep. Most of the sex scenes are augmented by smoke effects to soften this harshness, but the effect comes across as gimmicky.

The disc's Dolby Digital 2.0 track is centered at the screen and sounds hollow and harsh—typical of a shot-on-video production.

The Deleted Scene- "The Lap Dance" is a 5-minute scene starring Richards and is exactly what it claims to be. She twists and grinds for a tongue-studded woman seated in a comfy chair.

The 12-minute Behind-The-Scenes featurette is a hastily assembled collection of footage consisting of outtakes and heavyset white crew members ogling naked women.

The Trailers to other Films section provides previews of Female Animal, Master's Plaything, Roxanna, Vampire Vixen, Erotic Witch Project 2, Play-Mate of the Apes, WITCHBABE, and Mummy Raider, all of which star the same stable of softcore "actresses."

You also get the trailer for My Vampire Lover.

There's real porn out there that's better shot, better acted, better written, and better directed. Skip this one.