A spy movie about a bird lover? Well, thankfully Natasha Henstridge stars, so at least the foul freak is H-O-T. In Caracara (1999, 93 minutes, aka. The Last Witness), Natasha plays an entirely HUMAN character, who never once springs tentacles during lovemaking. She's joined by Johnathon Schaech who CineSchlockers will remember from the immortal Poison Ivy II, in which he was the recipient of Alyssa Milano's, ahem, love. But I digress.

The movie: Rachel Sutherland (Natasha) is too busy letting her bird of prey flap around the public park, eating rodents, to date much. Her hilariously horny gal pal does all she can to goad Rachel into hitting the singles scene, but she would rather focus on her feathered friends. This IS a movie, so she's approached by two FBI agents who want to use her apartment as a surveillance post. And thanks to their generous payment proposal, she agrees. The first night goes all right, but the next day a different agent arrives. He's a suave fella with bushy eyebrows (Schaech). The sort that makes the Lifetime crowd swoon. Before you know it, Natasha's catting around her apartment in next to nothing, hoping the G-man gets the message. He does, and there's a brief nude scene, where Ms. Henstridge earns her ample paycheck. Alas, things are NOT WHAT THEY SEEM. There's an attempt on Nelson Mandella's life. Oops! Rachel can finger the assassin. Uh oh! So, she, and everyone she loves is a target. Think shades of A Long Kiss Goodnight -- without the budget, or Samuel L. Jackson's one liners. Look for a barely recognizable Lauren Hutton as Rachel's alcoholic mom. Hers is the best performance in the flick. Did anyone bother to tell Lauren she could have mailed this one in? Everyone else did. Oh, a special thanks to the filmmakers who thought it necessary to put a card up at the end of the movie, stating the events previous were purely fictional. Really!? Ya don't say! The only thing more incomprehensible than the spy plot is a dateless Ms. Henstridge.

Notables: Two breasts. 12 corpses. Two dead rats. Falconry. Bird-vision cam. Strangulation. One foot chase. Exploding car. Gratuitous slow-mo. Rocket launcher attack. Diddling. Gratuitous disguise donning sequence. Arrow gun kills. Gratuitous running-into-barn-to-escape-killer scene.

Quotables: David MacMillian in response to Rachel who thinks he doesn't look like an FBI man, "We're a lot funkier than people think. Remember, we had a director who used to dress up in women's clothes." And a smack upside the head of screenwriter Craig Smith for actually having the bad guy dryly described as an, "international hitman."

Time codes: The raptor monologue (19:00). Things finally, finally, finally turn sinister (27:15). Natasha emotes (1:02:25).

Audio/Video: Crisp fullframe transfer. Dolby Digital 2.0.

Extras: The briefest of cast bios.

Final thought: A surprisingly entertaining action flick -- when it eventually gets going. Recommended.

G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.