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Grind (2003)
Warner Bros. // PG-13 // January 27, 2004
List Price: $27.95 [Buy now and save at Amazon]
The summer skateboarding flop Grind is rated PG-13 for crude humor, sexual content, and language. I think this review might have been slapped with the same rating if it had been run past the MPAA, but probably just for language. See, Grind is really fucking bad. The movie stars Mike Vogel as our determined young hero, Eric Rivers. There are only fifty or so sponsored, professional skateboarders around the country, and Eric is hellbent on joining their ranks. He schemes to catch the eye of pro boarder Jimmy Wilson (Jason London), who trots around the country in a posh tour bus and has his pick of fabulously beautiful women. Eric gathers a group of friends -- broke 'n college bound Dustin (Adam Brody, who looks like someone took Colin Hanks, MTV News' Gideon Yago, and an inability to say the letter 's', put them in a blender, and mashed the "Puree" button), womanizer Sweet Lou (Joey Kern), and loudmouthed chronic farter Matt (Vince Vieluf, who's better in movies where he can't talk) -- and follows Wilson on tour, posing as a group with a non-existent sponsor. Hilarity theoretically ensues as the four of them travel from state to state, skating incessantly, finding romance, and getting caught up in all sorts of zany misadventures.
Grind was helmed by Casey La Scala, a producer for Gaylord Films (Donnie Darko and teen-pop flicks like What A Girl Wants and the upcoming A Cinderella Story) who opted to make his directorial debut here. Another industry veteran making the leap into uncharted waters is Ralph Sall, a music supervisor who churned out his first produced script for this movie. If Grind is any indication, they might want to hold onto their day jobs. I'd love to catch a peek at Sall's screenplay, though. I kind of get the impression that the actors were working off a rough outline, improvising nearly every line of dialogue as they went along. That can work for a series like Curb Your Enthusiasm, but Grind isn't driven by that same level of talent. The acting, more from the supporting players than the leads, is astonishingly bad. Don't they rehearse or at least audition beforehand?
The basic premise is a mix of the well-trodden Sports Underdog and Road Trip formulas, and Sall hasn't left out a single cliché. Every Sports Underdog™ flick needs a nemesis, and if the Super Duper Skates team (damn near the lamest name humanly conceivable) is Grind's Ramp Locals, then their Daggers is a set of faux Icy Hot Stuntaz. Their antagonists aren't particularly menacing (there is a firecracker fight, which left me wondering how many people keep firecrackers readily accessible in their cars), they're hardly shown skateboarding until the unclimactic climax, and the ethnicity confusion that's presumably intended to be funny really, really, really isn't. Like most of Grind's half-assed stabs at humor, there isn't a punchline. Either you find a white guy saying "step off, bee-yatch" and talking about drinking 40s to be inherently funny or you don't. I sure as hell don't. Road Trip movies are required by cinematic law to have the characters run out of money, do something desperate for food, fall in love along the way, lose their transportation, suffer in-fighting, and have some moment where the main character is on the verge of giving up but soldiers on anyway. Check, check, check, check, check, check. In a shameless Road Trip knockoff, Grind has an '80s pop-metal singalong (replacing "I Wanna Rock" with Poison's "Nothin' but a Good Time") and a goofy dance at a party where the main characters don't fit in (set to Young MC's "Bust a Move"). Grind lovingly embraces these clichés and only makes one real attempt at subverting them, when one character has the movie's obligatory heartfelt conversation, only with a clown college as the setting. Ralph Sall must have been determined to squeeze this into Grind since its presence and the decision leading up to it (despite being established beforehand) really don't make any sense whatsoever.
Grind attempts to add credibility by featuring some real professional skateboarders, but their inclusion is usually forced and heavy-handed. "Look, it's Bob Burnquist!" Several members of the Jackass crew also pop up, most notably Bam Margera, who has a small role as...well, himself. Not content with tormenting his parents on national television, I guess Bam set his sights on the moviegoing public, but the dismal box office attendence would seem to indicate that his plan was as big a failure as the movie. Grind squeezes in a few other guest stars, some more obvious than others -- Bob Goldthwait as a sleazy motel manager, Tom Green as a skate shop DJ who describes a skating demo with a series of drawn-out, annoying sounds, Brian Posehn as a Chili 'N Such customer scamming free food from manager Stephen Root, Dave Foley as a not-particularly helpful part of the Jimmy Wilson entourage, circus clown Randy Quaid, and Christopher McDonald in one of the worst performances I've ever seen from an established, professional actor. I was more impressed to see Kane Hodder in a non-Jason role, Shonda Farr (Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman), and another actress who's popped up on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Julia Lee.
The two-word summary for Grind would be "skateboarding comedy", and it doesn't handle either all that well. There's definitely no shortage of skateboarding in the movie, popping up at least every ten or fifteen minutes, and ranging from 'pretty good' to 'genuinely impressive'. La Marca seemed determined on shooting most of them in slow motion, taking an already dull, plodding movie and making it last even longer. If those sequences were consistently shot at normal speed, that may have shaved like fifteen minutes off of the way, way too long 104 minute movie. What passes for humor is a barrage of dick, fart, and shit jokes. A good half of the jokes in the movie are predicated on the fact that poop and farts smell bad. I wouldn't even label it as gross-out humor since aside from a kid projectile vomiting (another meaningless, laughless sequence that should've been cut out), there isn't anything on-screen to offend. There's no wit or originality, just the same jokes that were stale in the days of Porky's. I could keep this rant going for another few pages, but I think I've hammered my point into the ground.
Video: Despite what the specs floating around online may claim, Grind is full-frame only. Comparing it to the widescreen trailer from Warner's site, it looks to be mostly open-matte, with some information lost on the sides. Strange, 'cause the impression I got while watching it was that the framing seemed kind of cramped. Even disregarding the aspect ratio, this isn't that great of a presentation, seeming a little closer to what I'd expect from an appearance on one of HBO's dozen or so digital cable channels than a newly-minted DVD. At least the source material doesn't suffer much wear, which I guess is in keeping with its two week theatrical run. The authoring hiccups around certain patterns, and car grills and some shirts take on a jagged, shimmering appearance. I'm usually a fan of Warner's transfers, but this isn't their best work.
Audio: The Dolby Digital 5.1 audio (448Kbps) is almost indistinguishable from a stereo surround mix. The low-end is anemic, with only a brief snippet of some awful Sean Paul song really offering up any moderately impressive activity in the lower frequencies. The title sequence has an awkward pan around the soundstage, but from that point on, the surrounds are used almost exclusively to support the soundtrack. Yup, Grind has the chart-topping hits from all your favorite recording artists, including Simple Plan's "I'm Just A Kid", Trapt's "Headstrong", P.O.D.'s "Boom", and Unwritten Law's "Seein' Red". Since Grind was hopefully shot on a shoestring, maybe the producers would've been better off funnelling some of the budget away from mallcore for the Hot Topic set and putting it towards more talented, lesser-known bands. That might have left enough in the coffers to hire a real screenwriter. Grind includes a second 5.1 mix (384Kbps), dubbed in Quebec's flavor of French. There are also subtitles in English, French, and Spanish, as well as closed captions.
Supplements: After popping the disc in, Grind opens with a couple of minutes of letterboxed trailers, plugging Matchstick Men, I'll Be There, and Billabong Odyssey.
Director Casey La Scala, and actors Adam Brody, Vince Vieluf, Mike Vogel, and Joey Kern chime in with an audio commentary. It's kinda laid-back and chatty, with some lengthy gaps of silence, and they come across as such nice, cool guys that I almost feel bad for tearing into the movie so mercilessly. They come up with a drinking game that'll have most viewers plastered in the first fifteen minutes, Mike Vogel making two van-centric movies back to back, the cast hitting on Casey La Scala's pregnant wife, the size of Kane Hodder's shoulders, pointing out some lines and situations that don't really make any sense, homoerotic subtext, becoming genuinely pissed off at Tom Green, destroying 400 years of growth of a protected desert bush, pointing out their skating doubles, and the influence of Sergio Leone on the climax. Although I'm obviously not much of a fan of the movie, the commentary is pretty good.
The Donnas also contribute a music video for "Too Bad About Your Girl" (more like "too bad about your movie") with some of the cast and lots of Grind swag in the background. Rounding out the extras is a full-frame trailer. The official Grind site has video interviews and a photo gallery, and for whatever reason, those didn't make it to the DVD.
Although the movie itself is full-frame, the DVD sports a set of 16x9 enhanced animated menus. The disc comes packaged in the standard Warner snapper case, and the inside flap lists the movie's twenty-eight chapter stops. There's a coupon tacked onto the front that'll save buyers five bucks if they pick up Billabong Odyssey at the same time.
Conclusion: I don't keep a running tally for "Worst Movie of the Year", but I'm pretty sure Grind would be somewhere on the list. Not even recommended as a rental. Skip It.
 |
| An old woman sticking up her middle finger is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!111 |
The basic premise is a mix of the well-trodden Sports Underdog and Road Trip formulas, and Sall hasn't left out a single cliché. Every Sports Underdog™ flick needs a nemesis, and if the Super Duper Skates team (damn near the lamest name humanly conceivable) is Grind's Ramp Locals, then their Daggers is a set of faux Icy Hot Stuntaz. Their antagonists aren't particularly menacing (there is a firecracker fight, which left me wondering how many people keep firecrackers readily accessible in their cars), they're hardly shown skateboarding until the unclimactic climax, and the ethnicity confusion that's presumably intended to be funny really, really, really isn't. Like most of Grind's half-assed stabs at humor, there isn't a punchline. Either you find a white guy saying "step off, bee-yatch" and talking about drinking 40s to be inherently funny or you don't. I sure as hell don't. Road Trip movies are required by cinematic law to have the characters run out of money, do something desperate for food, fall in love along the way, lose their transportation, suffer in-fighting, and have some moment where the main character is on the verge of giving up but soldiers on anyway. Check, check, check, check, check, check. In a shameless Road Trip knockoff, Grind has an '80s pop-metal singalong (replacing "I Wanna Rock" with Poison's "Nothin' but a Good Time") and a goofy dance at a party where the main characters don't fit in (set to Young MC's "Bust a Move"). Grind lovingly embraces these clichés and only makes one real attempt at subverting them, when one character has the movie's obligatory heartfelt conversation, only with a clown college as the setting. Ralph Sall must have been determined to squeeze this into Grind since its presence and the decision leading up to it (despite being established beforehand) really don't make any sense whatsoever.
Grind attempts to add credibility by featuring some real professional skateboarders, but their inclusion is usually forced and heavy-handed. "Look, it's Bob Burnquist!" Several members of the Jackass crew also pop up, most notably Bam Margera, who has a small role as...well, himself. Not content with tormenting his parents on national television, I guess Bam set his sights on the moviegoing public, but the dismal box office attendence would seem to indicate that his plan was as big a failure as the movie. Grind squeezes in a few other guest stars, some more obvious than others -- Bob Goldthwait as a sleazy motel manager, Tom Green as a skate shop DJ who describes a skating demo with a series of drawn-out, annoying sounds, Brian Posehn as a Chili 'N Such customer scamming free food from manager Stephen Root, Dave Foley as a not-particularly helpful part of the Jimmy Wilson entourage, circus clown Randy Quaid, and Christopher McDonald in one of the worst performances I've ever seen from an established, professional actor. I was more impressed to see Kane Hodder in a non-Jason role, Shonda Farr (Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman), and another actress who's popped up on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Julia Lee. The two-word summary for Grind would be "skateboarding comedy", and it doesn't handle either all that well. There's definitely no shortage of skateboarding in the movie, popping up at least every ten or fifteen minutes, and ranging from 'pretty good' to 'genuinely impressive'. La Marca seemed determined on shooting most of them in slow motion, taking an already dull, plodding movie and making it last even longer. If those sequences were consistently shot at normal speed, that may have shaved like fifteen minutes off of the way, way too long 104 minute movie. What passes for humor is a barrage of dick, fart, and shit jokes. A good half of the jokes in the movie are predicated on the fact that poop and farts smell bad. I wouldn't even label it as gross-out humor since aside from a kid projectile vomiting (another meaningless, laughless sequence that should've been cut out), there isn't anything on-screen to offend. There's no wit or originality, just the same jokes that were stale in the days of Porky's. I could keep this rant going for another few pages, but I think I've hammered my point into the ground.
 |
| Straight ballin' I'd like to call for an embargo on the use of "Booyah!" |
Audio: The Dolby Digital 5.1 audio (448Kbps) is almost indistinguishable from a stereo surround mix. The low-end is anemic, with only a brief snippet of some awful Sean Paul song really offering up any moderately impressive activity in the lower frequencies. The title sequence has an awkward pan around the soundstage, but from that point on, the surrounds are used almost exclusively to support the soundtrack. Yup, Grind has the chart-topping hits from all your favorite recording artists, including Simple Plan's "I'm Just A Kid", Trapt's "Headstrong", P.O.D.'s "Boom", and Unwritten Law's "Seein' Red". Since Grind was hopefully shot on a shoestring, maybe the producers would've been better off funnelling some of the budget away from mallcore for the Hot Topic set and putting it towards more talented, lesser-known bands. That might have left enough in the coffers to hire a real screenwriter. Grind includes a second 5.1 mix (384Kbps), dubbed in Quebec's flavor of French. There are also subtitles in English, French, and Spanish, as well as closed captions.
Supplements: After popping the disc in, Grind opens with a couple of minutes of letterboxed trailers, plugging Matchstick Men, I'll Be There, and Billabong Odyssey. Director Casey La Scala, and actors Adam Brody, Vince Vieluf, Mike Vogel, and Joey Kern chime in with an audio commentary. It's kinda laid-back and chatty, with some lengthy gaps of silence, and they come across as such nice, cool guys that I almost feel bad for tearing into the movie so mercilessly. They come up with a drinking game that'll have most viewers plastered in the first fifteen minutes, Mike Vogel making two van-centric movies back to back, the cast hitting on Casey La Scala's pregnant wife, the size of Kane Hodder's shoulders, pointing out some lines and situations that don't really make any sense, homoerotic subtext, becoming genuinely pissed off at Tom Green, destroying 400 years of growth of a protected desert bush, pointing out their skating doubles, and the influence of Sergio Leone on the climax. Although I'm obviously not much of a fan of the movie, the commentary is pretty good.
The Donnas also contribute a music video for "Too Bad About Your Girl" (more like "too bad about your movie") with some of the cast and lots of Grind swag in the background. Rounding out the extras is a full-frame trailer. The official Grind site has video interviews and a photo gallery, and for whatever reason, those didn't make it to the DVD.
Although the movie itself is full-frame, the DVD sports a set of 16x9 enhanced animated menus. The disc comes packaged in the standard Warner snapper case, and the inside flap lists the movie's twenty-eight chapter stops. There's a coupon tacked onto the front that'll save buyers five bucks if they pick up Billabong Odyssey at the same time.
Conclusion: I don't keep a running tally for "Worst Movie of the Year", but I'm pretty sure Grind would be somewhere on the list. Not even recommended as a rental. Skip It.
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