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March 29, 2005

Review: The Ice Pirates

Remembered more fondly than it probably should be, this cult comedy tee-hees a certain other space opera via the zany guise of intergalactic swashbuckling in pursuit of riches -- or for sci-fi purposes -- AGUA! However, after yours truly's careful consideration amid about three too many robot battles, the subtext really seems more to do with the round-about procurement of poontang.

Robert Urich is a space pirate smitten with Mary Crosby's Ice Princess (honest!) and, along with merry minions Ron Perlman and John Matuszak, he horndogs across the universe doing her bodacious bidding in hope of laying hands on her frosty booty. Not that she's opposed. In fact, it's through her direct intervention that a snapping BEAR TRAP meant for his nethers misses its mark, allowing Mr. Urich and cyberneticist sidekick Michael D. Roberts to falsetto their way out of said castration camp and into temporary, though spandex'd servitude at a daffy disco before resuming their cheeky cavalcade of double entendres.

That's Anjelica Huston (!?!) as the snarling she-pirate who's a little TOO comfortable with cold steel and patent leather and is also prone to the ham-fisted sapphic symbolism of lopping off the heads of dang near every man she meets. But, but, but does Dan Tanna score? Well, unlike that whiney Skywalker kiddo, he fares far better than a tonsil tango with his own honey-bun coifed SISTER!!! CineSchlockers don't dare blink or they'll miss the immortal John Carradine very nearly breathing his last as an evil (and bedridden) "Supreme Commander."

No breasts. 10 corpses. One plucked parrot. Gratuitous jazz hands. Cat fighting. Gratuitous robo pimp. Multiple decapitations. Level-5 Bruce Vilanch alert. Gratuitous urination. Kung fu robots. Fast mo. Erotic "crashing waves" montage. It's tough being a pirate in the Space Age: "What happened to 'We rape! We pillage!' ?"

2.5 of 5 stars

Recommended Video: 3 Audio: 3 Extras: .5 Replay: 1

1984, 94 mins, 1.85:1 anam, DD mono, Trailer.

Posted by G. Noel Gross at March 29, 2005 8:15 AM


I, along with several friends, have been anxiously awaiting this release for years!

This was campy outer space shenanigans long before Spaceballs and Galaxy Quest, and at the time, many people didn't understand or want comedy mixing with their sci-fi.

I personally would rate this a 3.5 to 4 stars, as the replay value (IMHO) is much greater than 1.

Sure, the film is Schlock-y, but it is also a great ~90 minute ride!

I would recommend at least a rental to any CineSchlocker, and a purchase to those who enjoyed Spaceballs, and other science fiction parodies and comedies.

Posted by: Andy Hardaway at April 2, 2005 11:26 AM

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