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Hungry Hungry Dinos
BY G. NOEL GROSS | August 3, 2001

The logo for Jurassic Park III seems to cannibalize that of Carnosaur 3: Primal Species.
One way the little guys sponge off the big fellas is to catch wind of a gimmick and beat them to the screen with it. In a move that clearly illustrates why he's the reigning King of Bs, Roger Corman did exactly that by rushing his own dino fest into theaters weeks ahead of Jurassic Park with star Laura Dern's own mother in the lead role (Diane Ladd). In fact, Carnosaur spawned two gruesome sequels before Steven Spielberg's horde of computer jockeys could even begin to finish animating The Lost World. But, then, they're "artists." Corman's people do what they do best -- and cheapest -- throw lots of guts, bullets and ferocious puppets at the camera. It only seems fitting that we now take a gander at the Carnosaur trilogy in honor of Jurassic Park III (the most CineSchlocker-friendly entry of the franchise).

Each disc features gory motion-video menus with audio, cast bios, trailers and the like. All are presented in fullframe, with robust Dolby Digital 2.0 stereo tracks. If one is especially a glutton for punishment, all THREE flicks are also available as a discounted Collector's Set.

Update 11.23.01: A severely inbred offspring known as Raptor has been added to the Carnosaur family. See review here.

(1993, 83 minutes)

Picture: 3 Sound: 3
Extras: 1 Repeat: 2
Advice: Highly
Within the cramped cages of a chicken farm, hens lay "special" eggs from which genetically engineered varmints emerge and proceed to devour hayseed and yokel alike. The beasts grow rapidly with each feeding until they become full-sized Velociraptors, while one experiences severe gigantism and tops out as a T-Rex. Meanwhile, a environmentalist commune harasses the night watchman (Raphael Sbarge) of a peaceful strip-mining outfit by insisting on waking him from his Jack Daniels stupor mid-shift. But BEFORE he can make time with the blonde tree hugger (Jennifer Runyon) folks start turning up at the morgue with their limbs rearranged and their innards chewed out. A real romance killer. Diane Ladd is the mad scientist responsible for tinkering with DNA and raising Jurassic hell. Features unbelievable dino "birthing" sequences from HUMAN mothers coupled with an equally shocking ending involving Alfred E. Neuman of MAD magazine fame.

Notables: No breasts. 33 corpses. Dinovision. Gratuitous chicken processing plant footage. Wild driving. Gratuitous urination. Puking. Face munching. Flame throwing. Puppy gobbling. Dino disco lounge.

Quotables: B-legend Clint Howard's character wonders, "I've never seen such nervous chickens. Maybe they smell rain, or else the sky is falling." Our hero's motto, "Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Hippie's last words, "Greetings, green brother!" Dr. Tiptree explains the method of her madness, "The Earth was not made for us, she was made for the dinosaurs. The Earth was scaled to their dimensions. Human beings are ants crawling through their living rooms ... I don't want to end the world. Just one unruly species."

Time codes: Bad egg attacks unsuspecting human (5:50). Brain surgery scene on late show (9:18). A hellacious midnight snack (35:20). Do NOT show this movie to pregnant women (50:30).

(1994, 83 minutes)

Picture: 3 Sound: 3
Extras: 1 Repeat: 1
Advice: Recommended
Roughly two months after the bloody finale of Carno Uno, something just happens to go terribly wrong at a high-security underground storage facility -- OK, well, everyone's turned into hamburger. A team of commandos sent to scope out the scene come face-to-snout with ALIENS, er, RAPTORS!!! A protracted game of hide-and-go-eat ensues with CineSchlocker favorite John Savage trying to keep his squad off the menu. Shockingly, no real effort is made to explain away the previous film's world-wide plague of chicken fever that made human females spontaneously launch ravenous reptiles from their bellies. So, do NOT look behind the curtain -- keep your eyes firmly on the non-union stuntmen jogging around the set in increasingly tattered dino suits.

Notables: No breasts. 14 corpses. Two-man brawl. Arm ripping. Head tumbles. Exploding Revell helicopter. Pet iguana.

Quotables: This soldier isn't buying this dino story, "Right, I'm Bigfoot and she's the Loch Ness Monster."

Time codes: Trouble at the diner (9:30). First clear look at a raptor (32:40). Heart-warming moment of reflection on a dead uncle (55:30). Same shot of T-Rex gasping its last breath as used in Carnosaur (1:16:15).

(1996, 85 minutes)

Picture: 3 Sound: 3
Extras: 1 Repeat: None
Advice: Rent It
Terrorists raid a government convoy in search of fancy boom-boom sticks, so naturally, they're not expecting Barney and Friends. By now, the original vision has truly devolved to its basic parts: Raptors and Human Combo Meals. Here yet ANOTHER squad of military know-it-alls scour waterfront warehouses in search of the scaly critters with big rubber teeth who scattered the limbs of those poor terrorists all over. What probably BEST illustrates the extent of the give-up factor involved here is that Rick Dean returns as a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT wise-cracking gun monkey, as everyone knows that OTHER wise-cracking gun monkey already got T-Rex'd in Part 2. Painful stuff.

Notables: No breasts. 37 corpses. Gratuitous urination. Multiple exploding jeeps. Slow mo. Heads, arms and legs tumble. Note passing. Fluttering pigeons. Gratuitous slide show.

Quotables: Grizzled colonel doesn't cotton to long hairs, "You're not riding in MY jeep with that haircut, son!" This cop isn't from the P.C. police, "Throw down your hardware and surrender or else we're gonna send you back to Tay-ran in Glad bags!" Befuddled commando snaps when scientist demands the beasts be captured alive, "Maybe we should get a whole bunch of pillows and pummel them into submission!"

Time codes: First use of the word "Carnosaurs" throughout the whole series (27:05). Army vs. Marines arm rasslin' match (35:20).

Tale O' The Teeth

Carnosaur 2
Carnosaur 3
Advertising tag line
Driven to extinction. Back for revenge. Extinction is a thing of the past. Terror will never be extinct.
Ultimate method of extinction

Gutted by bulldozer.

Gutted by bulldozer and shoved down elevator shaft.

Plastic explosives down the gullet.
Hero utters this wisecrack with the final kill
"I hate wildlife!!!" "Eat this Barney!!!" "I'll take my chances with the barbecue!"
What does Dinovision look like?
Night-vision green Image stretched vertically High-contrast negative image
Hot broad you won't get to see nekkid

Jennifer Runyon of "A Very Brady Christmas"

Arabella Holzbog

Janet Gunn of "Silk Stockings"
Must-see bonus trailer
Humanoids from the Deep Deathrace 2000 Piranha

Send your comments to [email protected]

G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.

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